The Midults’ guide to…

Getting that Markle sparkle

SAY ‘EMPOWER’ A LOT

It doesn’t matter what your political views are, it will make you sound good. Liberal. Responsible. Like there is an underdog somewhere that you are championing. Could be an actual dog. That would be OK.

WEAR A BERET

Not an actual beret (because berets are basically totally impossible to wear) but hats that look cunningly like berets. You get all the nonchalant chic of the beret without the absurdity. ‘Oh, look at that nonchalant woman,’ they will say. Now wouldn’t that be something?

GET ELEGANTLY TEARY NOW AND AGAIN

This does not mean snotty howling. No, this moistening of the eye is a tiny window into your rich inner life. You are not just a beauty with incredibly birdlike ankles, but rather an old, old soul. Waist the size of a wasp, heart the size of an ox. But you also have unbelievable self-control – no tears must fall, merely teeter.

BE INCREDIBLY FLEXIBLE

In all areas. Do yoga because you need to nurture aforementioned rich inner life and wasp waist. But there are other kinds of flexibility you need to harness, too: be ready to pivot in your career and abandon it if necessary – summon that nimbleness. Also be prepared to flex your muscles... to force your other half to do yoga with you. Couples who yoga together, stay together. (This is probably not true.)

SIT BEAUTIFULLY

All that yoga will also lengthen your spine. And nothing says, ‘Guys, I’ve got this,’ like a straight-backed, legs tucked to the side, elegant sitting position. It says, ‘I am interested, interesting.’ No slouching troll, exhausted, with tummy rolls that say, ‘I haven’t slept since 2010 and I need to pee.’

HUG STRANGERS

Abandon protocol because you know what? You are a loving rule-breaker. ‘I mean, if I want to love people, I am just going to go ahead and love people. So sue me…’

SPRINKLE HEMP ON YOUR SALADS

Because then you’ll either look like Meghan or think you do.

WEAR MARKS & SPENCER

Smart move for a first impression. You can say, ‘I just bought this in M&S yesterday,’ if anyone asks. Because if you say, ‘I just bought it in a little boutique on the Left Bank,’ EVERYONE WILL HATE YOU.

DON’T BE AFRAID OF JEANS

Jeans are your friend. And then, with a pair of flats and a white shirt, you will feel and look free. Unless the shirt needs constant ironing. Or you spill your fifth coffee down your front.

HAVE BEAUTIFUL HANDWRITING

Take a calligraphy class. (Meghan was a freelance calligrapher for a while in between acting jobs – no bubbly Sloaney circles above the ‘i’s.) Write gorgeous thank-you letters. It will make everyone jealous of how cool, calm and IN CONTROL you are. Plus calligraphy is the new meditation/colouring/ knitting. You heard it here first.

GIVE WITTY BUT NOT RISQUE PRESENTS

Meghan’s singing toy hamster went down a treat with Her Maj last Christmas. (Oh, how they howled.) Empower your sense of humour. Humbly. This is who you are now.

SHUT DOWN ALL YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA

One: no more slipper adverts that chase you round the internet, which is immediately relaxing. Two: you will no longer have #FOMO (fear of missing out) or worry about what anyone else is doing. It will make you mellow like Meghan.

TAKE A PROBIOTIC

It’s like that famous fairy tale, The Princess and the Probiotic: if you can control your gut, you can control the world.

CONSIDER A CAREER IN DIPLOMACY AND THEN ABANDON THE IDEA

You can rule yourself out of other jobs too, such as running the National Theatre, or being governor of the Bank of England, or entering the church. It’s incredibly empowering. themidult.com

It’s like that famous fairy tale, The Princess and the Probiotic: if you can control your gut, you can control the world