WHAT HAPPENED NEXT MEGHAN AND HARRY

May 2018

In the days following the royal wedding, demand – and supply – for souvenirs reaches record levels. In addition to the usual plates and tea towels, Kensington Palace releases a fashion range that allows fans to buy a replica of any outfit worn by any guest. A groom’s-eye-view DVD is produced from footage captured by a button-hole camera Prince Harry wore on the day; locks of Markle’s hair are sold; and a video game allows royalists to participate as key characters. In the end, so much merchandise is produced that the Palace acquires high-street retailer H&M and rebrands it as ‘Harry & Meghan’ in order to meet requirements.

May 2019

One year on, the couple announces they intend to renew their vows on their very first wedding anniversary – by quite literally reconstructing the entire build-up, event and reception. There are fierce protests from angry republican taxpayers, still-underslept journalists and Windsor Council, yet since the entire event is funded by souvenir-shop profits, the whole shebang goes ahead. And then again in 2020. And in 2021. By the end of the 2030s, the annual event has left Markle’s dress threadbare,

Kay Burley emaciated and the organist a probable alcoholic.

October 2033

In spite of the constant renewal of their vows, Meghan and Harry – helped by their charismatic triplets, Kanye, Hewitt and Sparkle – enjoy such popularity that when the time comes for the Duke of Cambridge to inherit the throne, the public demands that he and Harry reign as a coalition sovereignty. ‘It’s a job share, it’s the modern way,’ says a press release from the Palace. Things are less amicable behind the scenes. ‘This makes you the Clegg in our relationship,’ King William is caught whispering, as he sits on his brother’s lap on the coronation throne. ‘What even is a “Clegg”?’ Markle is heard to whisper. — Guy Kelly