Michael Deacon at Alpes in south London

A ski lodge in south London? Well not quite, but it does serve delicious fondue

THE WORLD’S SMALLEST restaurant is a place in Finland called Kuappi. It’s 86 sq ft – about the size of a garden shed – and seats a grand total of two.

There is, as it happens, another restaurant that seats only two: it’s in Italy, and is called Solo per Due (Just for Two). It, however, extends to a whopping 323 sq ft – about the size of a bedsit. Palatial. Why, that’s room for both diners to use their cutlery at the same time.

I’ve never been to either, but I’d like to. How relaxing they must be, without all the chatter and clamour of strangers. Personally, I think someone should take the logical next step, and open a restaurant just for one. Solo per Uno. Bliss. As long as the waiter isn’t there with you the whole time, just hovering. Very off-putting, hovering. Especially when you’re eating alone. I think to preserve the diner’s sanity, the waiter would have to be stationed outside in the street, and permitted to enter only when the diner summons him by tinkling a little bell. If it’s raining he’ll be given an umbrella.

I don’t know of any restaurants in Britain like Kuappi or Solo per Due. But this week I went to one that isn’t too far off. It’s Alpes, in London, and it’s the size of a shipping container. Mainly because it is, in fact, a shipping container. It’s at Pop Brixton, a yard full of trendy micro-restaurants. The owners of Alpes have managed to