WHAT HAPPENED NEXT LOVE ISLAND

July 2018

Realising that several million more people watch Love Island than Prime Minister’s Questions each week, all the major political parties have the same thought at once: send an MP into the villa. Boris Johnson, Jeremy Corbyn, Nicola Sturgeon and Arlene Foster (above) enter for the show’s final week. Johnson strikes up a kinship with the boys, sharing stories about breaking long-held promises. Sturgeon colonises only the balcony and never leaves. Foster is unexpectedly wanted by every hunk in there, and so prices herself at £1 billion. Corbyn joins a poolside discussion about Brexit, only to embarrassingly admit he has no idea what it’s about either.

June 2019

With the success of 2018’s series and its eventual winners – Corbyn and glamour model Megan, who made an outrageous last-minute play for the Labour leader right under the nose of late entrant Diane Abbott – ITV bids to have the next series coincide with the G20 summit. It is mainly meetings and Justin Trudeau lifting weights, but livens up when Melania Trump (above) wears a Zara swimming costume bearing the words, PLEASE, HELP ME ESCAPE HIM. AND BY HIM I MEAN MY HUSBAND, DONALD TRUMP, AND BY ESCAPE I MEAN DIVORCE – a cryptic message some suggest could relate to her marriage.

September 2020

When a special series featuring Brexit negotiators from both sides, Love Island: I Love EU, finishes with none of the contestants able to negotiate deep and special relationships, the programme enters a stalemate. Eventually it goes on for so long that the public stops watching, producers stop caring and even the narrator tires of finding jokes about ‘ever closer unions’. With the cameras switched off, the Islanders turn feral: they vote to be free of ITV and exist as an independent programme. No one cares. — Guy Kelly