WHAT HAPPENED NEXT

ROBERT MUELLER

September 2018

More than a year after his investigation began, special counsel Robert Mueller finally convinces Donald Trump to come in for an interview, after agreeing to strict ground rules: no using big words, no mention of Russia, and absolutely no questions. Mueller’s team come up with a ploy: when Trump arrives, he is greeted only by a mobile phone – open on Twitter and logged into his account. Trump snatches it. ‘In the Mueller i/v and Bob not even shown up! Rude. I guess he will NEVER discover that I knew about the Don Jr meeting, or our campaign hacking, or my hidden accounts in Azerbaijan, or that my toupee was a campaign gift from Vlad! His loss!’ Pressing send, Trump hears a voice from behind a two-way mirror: ‘Bingo!’

February 2019

Now a global hero for his snaring of Trump – which leaves the former president impeached, imprisoned, and, thanks to the seizure of his toupee, somewhat bald – Mueller (left) retires and finds himself inundated with requests to host a talk show. With all the stars of Trump’s former favourite, Fox& Friends, indicted, its place is taken by

Mueller Light, a programme in which 24 independent attorneys cross-examine celebrities, between sketches and musical performances. Hillary Clinton becomes the first guest, just to really annoy Trump in his cell.

October 2020

As Mueller is now a TV personality, the American people do the natural thing and elect him president. Within days, an outraged and confused Eric Trump (above) – the only member of the family to be spared jail time on account of being deemed intellectually incapable of committing a crime – vows to avenge his father by setting up his own investigation into what he calls ‘the suggestion that, like, democracy may have interfered with the 2020 election, or something? Yeah.’ Out of pity, the Mueller administration plays along, despite all Eric’s legal documents clearly being written in crayon. — Guy Kelly