WHAT HAPPENED NEXT CHRIS EVANS

December 2018

Still annoyed with his decision to take the money and run to Virgin, Radio 2 staff decide to surprise Chris Evans on the night before his final breakfast show – a planned Christmas Eve bonanza. Breaking into his house, they arrange for a sleeping Evans to have some visitors. The first is Eddie Mair, entwined in chains and money boxes, who barrels in through the wardrobe. ‘You must avoid my fate, Chris. Look what commercial radio did to me! No one listens! Heed the spirits!’ He is followed by the Ghost of Evans Past, Terry Wogan, who isn’t in a state to say anything; the Ghost of Evans Present, Matt Leblanc, who just laughs at his former co-host’s racing car-shaped bed; and the Ghost of Evans Yet To Come, Richard Branson, who appears shirtless and brandishing the keys to a speedboat.

January 2019

Ahead of Evans’ debut, there is a lot of awkwardness at Virgin (owned by News Corp) when it is comes to light that Rupert Murdoch had actually meant them to employ Chris Evans, the Hollywood actor, rather than the broadcaster. ‘I wanted a superhero to wake me up for breakfast, not some ginger nit!’ he bellows at Rebekah Brooks, who ignores the redhead slur and scrambles to call the actor’s publicist, while Murdoch continues, ‘Aggh! This is just like when I asked you to arrange a meeting with Terry Hall. Sort. It.’

April 2019

Brooks allows the British Evans to launch his show as planned, on condition that he dress as Captain America every day and speak in an American accent. Evans refuses, until Branson materialises and slides a Virgin Galactic ticket across the table. ‘You could go… stratospheric, Chris.’ Evans dons the suit and merrily begins broadcasting to an audience of 12 – seven of whom are in the room with him.