WHAT HAPPENED NEXT THE NOVICHOK SUSPECTS

September 2018

Despite global incredulity at their cover story, Salisbury poisoning suspects Alexander Petrov and Ruslan Boshirov continue to insist they are just two regular guys passionate about exploring pastures new. They are backed by the Russian government and made joint editors of the Moscow imprint of Lonely Planet, fill the roles of Rob Brydon and Steve Coogan in a remake of The Trip, and host a cookery programme called Tasty

Poison in 30 Minutes – a title that initially shocks the media, until a panicked Petrov corrects himself. ‘Er, no, sorry. It’s poisson.

We were inspired by Saint-malo, a famous town in Brittany, where landmarks include the Solidor Tower, which is 122 metres high…’

December 2018

Petrov and Boshirov return to Britain at Christmas for a resumption of their sleet-interrupted 2018 holiday. To the terror of residents and the delight of local Hazmat-suit manufacturers, they visit Winchester, Bracknell, Basingstoke, Taplow and finally Woking, where they arrange to film a segment of their television programme. Asking around for local entertainment, they are cast as the Ugly Sisters opposite Craig Revel Horwood’s Wicked Stepmother in Cinderella. ‘Finally, we can disguise ourselves again, throw bonbons at strangers, and feel villainous without fear of arrest,’ Boshirov whispers to Petrov, as they are being made up. ‘And Craig is fab-u-lous – he’s just like Vlad!’

January 2019

Fired from Cinderella for consistently silencing schoolchildren who shouted ‘It’s behind you’, the pair head back out on the road, wearily hoovering up more tourist sites. MI5 comes up with a cunning plan: in the dead of night, agents sneak into Madame Tussauds and place a waxwork figure of Russia’s most wanted man, Bill Browder, between those of Harrison Ford and Geri Halliwell. Boshirov and Petrov are then invited to what they think is a celebrity party. Unable to resist, they fall into the trap and are caught spraying perfume around Ginger Spice.

— Guy Kelly