WHAT HAPPENED NEXT

THE DUKE OF YORK

September 2018

With just a fortnight until Princess Eugenie’s wedding, Prince Andrew is still furiously searching for a television channel that will broadcast the event – not least to satisfy the Middle Eastern sponsors he’s courted to help cover costs. When the BBC, ITV and Sky all reject him, he pitches it to Dave, which agrees on the condition that Russell Howard officiates and all guests have buzzers in order to deliver scathing one-liners – something the Duke of Edinburgh is all for. Next Andrew tries Cbeebies, but they’ll only do it if Eugenie marries Mr Tumble. In the end, he settles for Russia Today.

October 2018

When the date arrives, it’s clear that Andrew’s sole aim for his daughter’s big day is to do whatever it takes to top the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s wedding. At his behest, every element is copied and bettered: the chapel has more flowers, the dress has a double train, Reverend Michael Curry is given eight pre-sermon espressos, the cello is electric… He even hires an extra 100,000 members of the public to line the streets. ‘Oh Andy, this is pathetic. Is this about you not being the future king again?’ Prince Charles sighs. ‘Shhh!’ Andrew hisses, as Fergie marches Jack Brooksbank up to the quire.

March 2019

Livid to hear that the viewing figures for Eugenie’s wedding failed to make his family the most popular royal faction, Andrew gathers his senior brand strategy team together to create a three-step game plan. The first is to arrange a PR stunt involving 10,000 men marching up a hill and then marching down again. The second is to announce he and Fergie are remarrying. The third is to buy the Yorkie-bar brand from Nestlé and create a flavour for each of the four Yorks: ‘Original for me, Raisin and Biscuit for Eugie and Bea, and of course Absolute Nuts for you know who.’