Table talk

Michael Deacon goes vegan at Genesis

The menu at Genesis is quite something. Not so much the food and drink – I mean, this is a vegan place, so you aren’t necessarily surprised to encounter such wonders as kale mojito, spirulina colada and coffee made from mushrooms or ‘reverse osmosis water’. Nor are you necessarily surprised that the front of the menu carries an illustration depicting ‘the cosmic tree of life’, and that the back carries an illustration portraying ‘a land beyond time’. Like I said: it’s a vegan place.

I’m thinking more of the little box of text in the top right-hand corner. The one that matter-of-factly informs the diner that as foretold by Mayan prophecy, the world is about to enter ‘a period of chaos which will usher in a new phase of evolution, of conscience and unprecedented changes in humanity’.

Not often you find that kind of information on a restaurant menu. You go to Le Gavroche, there’s a list of the hors d’oeuvres, a list of the poissons et viandes, a list of the fromages et desserts. They aren’t accompanied by a box of text notifying the diner of imminent global apocalypse. There’s no footnote advising that the day of judgment will usher in a great cleansing of sin and wickedness before the souls of the chosen are admitted to the next realm.

I’m not knocking it. Maybe the Genesis menu is right. Since my day job is covering politics, I can well believe the bit about entering a period of chaos. Not sure about the next bit, though. I don’t remember Nigel Farage saying that

although Brexit might be a bit choppy to begin with, it’ll be worth it in the long run because we’ll all ascend to a higher plane of spiritual consciousness and be at peace with the inner stillness of the cosmos. And I can’t really see Arron Banks in a Buddhist robe chanting, ‘Om shanti shanti shanti.’

Anyway: having looked at the menu in advance on its website, you might imagine that Genesis is perhaps, with all due respect, and no offence intended, a tiny bit eccentric. But actually – and almost disappointingly – it isn’t. The staff are friendly, and the restaurant itself is small and unassuming. Like at Nando’s, you order at the till, instead of your table. It’s pretty basic.

Except for the food. I’d never be a vegan myself, but I’ve got serious respect for vegan chefs. What a bother it must be. All that time and effort to recreate, as best you can, the flavours and textures of a dish that a non-vegan chef could knock up blindfolded. Trying to make something tasty without milk, eggs, cheese, butter, cream, honey. And of course meat. All credit to them. They have not chosen an easy life.

The theme is vegan street food, and the choice is varied – although there does seem to be quite a lot of avocado. I started with the fried avocado taco. It was good, colourful and soft – but a bit overloaded. The taco itself was small, but the contents were heaped high. Impossible not to get it smeared all over your face and fingers. In fact, this seemed to be a theme at Genesis, because my wife had a big and messy torta milanesa (a sandwich spilling with aubergine, refried beans, coconut cheese, and again avocado), while I had a sauerkraut dog, which was bigger and messier still. After a single bite my cheeks were streaked with mustard ketchup, while a bonus blob sat proudly on the tip of my nose. And because the mustard ketchup was so ferociously hot, it made my nose run, too. This is probably not a place to go on a date.

Otherwise, though: great hot dog. The sausage was made from wheat gluten, and in texture it was far closer to an actual sausage than anything I’ve had from Quorn or Linda Mccartney. And, for all the mess it made, the sauerkraut gave it proper zing.

Wasn’t so sure about the chargrilled turmeric cauliflower, with green tahini sauce, almonds and sultanas: to look at, a shapeless gloop, and to taste, a bit worthy, a bit Guardian. But I loved the chips fried in avocado oil (extra crispy).

Pudding. Now here, if you’re a vegan chef, is the tough bit. My wife had the avocado chocolate mousse. It tasted dark, muddy, intense. Gloweringly, scowlingly intense. I had the raw cheesecake, which was made from cashews (see what I mean about the lengths they have to go to, to avoid dairy?). No avocado, though, as far as I could tell. Again: intense. Intense and dense. A lot thicker and heavier than a non-vegan cheesecake. I did like both puddings – for a meat-eating, animal-exploiting heathen like me, it was fascinating to see how a mousse and a cheesecake taste without most of the normal ingredients. And I enjoyed them. It was just that somehow they both tasted quite… angry. I would not want to meet either of those puddings down a dark alley.

I liked Genesis. It’s quick, it’s fun, it’s got character. Plus with all those mountains of avocado you’ll get about a month’s worth of fibre and potassium in a single sitting. Your doctor will be delighted. You’ll have vitamin B6 coming out of your ears. You’ll be positively bursting with pantothenic acid.

Important to stock up on nutrients, I think, before the dawn of the great cleansing arrives.

The puddings somehow tasted quite… angry. I would not want to meet either down a dark alley

Above Sauerkraut dog. Below Fried avocado taco