The Midults’ guide to…

Annabel Rivkin & Emilie Mcmeekan

Things that continue to amaze

How near Christmas it is So, September and October lasted for about two hours each. And here we are, niggled by the knowledge that The Day of Days is in about 100 minutes. So that’s how much time we have to heal our relationship with whichever family member we are currently resenting (they’re clearly insane) and do all the Christmas shopping (which basically consists of panic-inducing misseddelivery slips), as well as get thin and stylish for the one Christmas party we’ll be asked to – and then try to wriggle out of because we did our backs in dragging the battered old fake tree out of the loft. We LOVE Christmas.

Howdarkitis

So today we have an evening. A lazy, luxurious gloaming. Poetic. Hopeful. Tomorrow we go from lunch directly into deepest, darkest night. Some people say cosy. Others say deathly. What do you say? Can you even speak? Or are you too cold?

How easy it is to ignore the list Sure, we will write the list. We might even put ‘ACTION’ at the top to make it feel as though we are dynamically streamlining our lives. But then we will turn the page/close the screen and ignore the list. We will rely on our memories. Hahahahahahahaha. And our superior organisational skills. And our famous focus. *Monkey in head claps and plays accordion*

How we’re still not bored of leopard print

How in the name of Pat Butcher has this not happened yet? It happened to ballet shoes and we never saw that coming. Ditto skinny jeans. And most recently – and we really didn’t want this to be true – to our trusty Stan Smiths. And now, sitting, typing, head-to-toe in clashing leopard print, including a cape (OK, that is a lie), it seems impossible that we will not love leopard for ever. And what will our shortcut to relevance be if the leopard dies?

How much easier it is to fall asleep on a sofa than a bed Picture the scene. You are watching the Netflix. Possibly a 23-part Vietnam series that everyone says is the greatest piece of TV ever. And then, whoosh, you wake up and you have been asleep for a whole four hours, you can’t feel your arms and all the lights are on. Picture another scene. You go to bed nice and early. Spray lavender. Then, 20 plumpings of the pillows, 24 adjustings of the curtains and 14 sacrifices to the gods later, you are still wide awake.

How infuriating it is when

people tell us to smile Guaranteed to keep our frown in place. Bonus frown for, ‘Cheer up, it might never happen.’ Ditto, ‘Relax.’ Ditto, ‘Calm down.’ How do you think you are helping? You are not helping.

How much we are enjoying feminism

We used to put our lipstick on to flirt. Now we put it on so that we are always slightly ready to riot. Life has started to feel like one long call to action. Is the patriarchy a little afraid for the first time in millennia? It certainly should be.

That we are actually booking our summer holidays Hang on, this is sick and wrong. No, no, no, no. Honestly, just relax – we’re all behaving like maniacs. But if we want that villa in that resort but on the beach side of the forest with the infinity pool, near the village (but far from the main road), which includes membership to that fancy local beach club just a short drive away from that famous flea market and less than an hour from the airport then WHAT ON EARTH ARE WE WAITING FOR?

I’m Absolutely Fine! A Manual For Imperfect Women, by The Midults, is out now (Cassell, £16.99); themidult.com

You go to bed early. Spray lavender. Then, 20 plumpings of the pillows and 14 sacrifices to the gods later, you are still wide awake