WHAT HAPPENED NEXT POSH SPICE

May 2019

A month before the Spice Girls’ reunion tour gets underway, there is still a question mark over how to fill the void left by Victoria Beckham, who maintains she is too busy making money in a less embarrassing manner. Various methods are trialled: hoping nobody will notice (alas, the old sets feature five doorways), replacing her with her Madame Tussauds waxwork (a little too animated to be lifelike), and dressing a jar of za’atar in a little black dress to represent a literal ‘Posh Spice’ (too high concept). In the end they hold open auditions for a substitute, which Beckham goes along to in disguise for a laugh. Geri rejects her after three bars.

October 2019

Humiliated by her audition, Posh is determined to prove her worth as a performer, so she launches a rival tour. Initially it is a solo venture, singing only her own parts in Spice Girls songs, but since that amounts to 46 seconds of vocals, a radical rethink is required. She decides to create The Beckhams: A Retrospective – an eclectic family greatest hits show complete with all the worst outfits and haircuts, a full recreation of her wedding to David, tattoo analysis, brand-building exercises, a long-ball masterclass, stony-face workshops, and even an unexpected cameo by Rebecca Loos. It is a hit.

February 2020

Furious the Beckhams’ tour is outselling their own, the Spice Girls seek revenge, resulting in a conflict not dissimilar to the first Spice War four centuries ago, only with fewer cannons and more micro-aggressions. In the first skirmish, Geri sneaks into Beckham’s cupboard the night before New York Fashion Week and replaces the collection with Union Jack minidresses. Posh then retaliates by swapping Geri’s auburnspecific shampoo with black hair dye and Mel B hits back by seducing Brooklyn. Eventually, Simon Fuller steps in. ‘Girls, girls, girls. Don’t you see the benefit of becoming friends again?’ They shake their heads. ‘Now you can have another reunion tour! It’s been nearly a year.’ — Guy Kelly