WHAT HAPPENED NEXT

March 2019

As the divorce between Jeff and Mackenzie Bezos is finalised, Amazon customers are delighted to see that every item on the site is now half price, but there are furious complaints when products all arrive incomplete. For laptops, just the keyboard or the screen arrives. For books, just the start or the end. One child’s My Little Pony is decapitated. ‘I’m sorry about that,’ Bezos says. ‘As part of the divorce agreement, Mackenzie was offered either half of Amazon’s stocks or half of Amazon’s stock. She took the latter.’

July 2019

With customers deserting Amazon, a desolate Bezos is forced to survive on a net worth of just $69bn. Abandoning his remaining ambitions (inspiring a James Bond villain, legally forcing the Amazon river to change its name, purchasing the moon, using his fleet of drones and zero-hours workers to wage all-out war on HMRC...), he breaks up with his new girlfriend to begin a relationship with his virtual assistant, Alexa. ‘Oh, honey, you’re the only one who gets me,’ he says, lying in bed with his arm around the device. ‘Customers who got a divorce also purchased… leather jackets, sports cars, gym memberships and much younger girlfriends,’ Alexa responds. Bezos sighs.

October 2019

Worried about their friend, Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, Elon Musk and Twitter’s Jack Dorsey decide to take Bezos on a night out. At a bar, the wingmen spot a group of single women and dispute how Bezos should approach one of them. ‘Go over and poke her,’ Zuckerberg says. ‘No, just follow her and scream a lot,’ Dorsey counters. ‘Offer to build her a tiny submarine. If she doesn’t want it, call her a paedophile,’ Musk suggests. Gates says something about a talking paper clip, so Bezos strides over. ‘Would you like a drink?’ he asks. ‘It’ll arrive in 5-8 working days. ’ He goes home alone. — Guy Kelly