Why to avoid the aubergine emoji…

And other rules of digital etiquette. By Farrah Storr

When we look back on the last 10 years, I hope we will be kind. I hope we will remember what we were up against: phones that were smarter than us, apps that were funnier than us, speakers that listened more intently than us. I hope we will remember that we all thought it was a good idea to take pictures of our breakfast, send work emails at 11pm and have a public spat (in 140 characters) with a person called @Deathfish. Because in the absence of any formal, written rules, those of us born south of 1995 have all been winging it across the digital landscape, crossing our fingers that, one day, ‘the cloud’ will simply disappear taking with it every bathroom-mirror selfie, Boomerang video and Whatsapp breakdown.

But until that day comes, we have to fight back. We have to take charge. We have to reclaim the dignity we lost in 2017 when we accidentally posted an Instagram story from the inside of our handbag. We need some rules. And we need them now. So, consider this your basic guide: a few gentle parameters that allow us to keep pace with the times, while keeping our career and social status intact.

Ditch acronym-speech, no matter how much time it saves you

1 Act your age

It is very difficult to behave like an adult in the digital world. Unbidden emojis will slink into text messages. Out of the 75 ringtone options on your new smartphone, only one will not have a name like Tropical Dragon Beats. Google will insist on speaking to you like you are a 13-year-old American highschool student (‘Are you sure you want to shut down this window?’), while every platform presumes 300 characters can sum up a person’s entire life work. But there are ways to flex your maturity. OK, not many. In fact, barely any. Options include, though are not limited to: putting your phone on vibrate. Seriously, it is the only option. Avoiding emoji use in

all communication with colleagues or anyone over the age of 35. Swerving photo filters that insert flowers/halos/anything that looks vaguely sparkly or unicorn-like around your head. Ditching acronym-speech, no matter how much time it saves you over email. And leaving selfie sticks to Joe Wicks.

Beware the emoji minefield

It takes a brave adult to wade, uninitiated, into the emoji dashboard. Because this way lies trouble. To you or me, emojis may appear benign. Cute even, reminding us as they do of our childhood friend, Pac-man. But they are not Pac-man. Emojis are a different beast altogether. They are supposed to imbue text messages with emotion but instead are fraught with misinterpretation, secondary meaning and political implications. Kendall Jenner found this out when she used an emoji with a darker skin tone than her own and was slammed for cultural appropriation. You may find yourself in similar territory if you use the OK finger symbol when a colleague asks you if you want to go for lunch, not realising that – according to some interpretations – you have just given them the white power salute.

And on the subject of white power: if you are Caucasian, it’s usually best to stick to the ‘neutral’ yellow emoji. For everything. Sure, there are specific ‘white’ emojis for you but, I’ll be honest, there’s a certain squeamishness around asserting ‘whiteness’ right now. Basically it’s a total minefield. I mean, I’m mixed race and even I use the yellow emoji.

Other problematic emojis that should be used with extreme caution are: the aubergine (unequivocally means penis); water drops with a hand in front (masturbation); applause hands (spanking); fire (you are seriously hot… although if used ironically, totally acceptable). The best course of action therefore is to avoid the emoji lexicon altogether. If you can’t do that then stick to the only three universally unambiguous ones: laughing face, smiley face and sad face. And if you really insist in dabbling further, then at least arm yourself with our guide below. And a good lawyer.

3 Swerve the hashtag challenge

These seemingly innocuous hashtag challenges sprout up across our social feeds like wildflowers in the spring. Where did they come from? What do they mean? Why have I found myself doing exactly what they ask of me?

Sadly, much like emojis, the hashtag challenge is not to be trusted. We now all know, for example, that the #icebucketchallenge was less about raising money for charity and more about showing the world how hard you’d been working out at the gym. The internet’s latest attempt to have us all show the world what a bunch of raging narcissists we are is the #10Yearchallenge. You’re supposed to post a picture of yourself 10 years ago next to one of you now. This should then encourage the bunch of obsequious worms on your Instagram account to comment on how beautifully you have aged. It is a vanity trap. Do not fall into it. It’s also, rumour has it, potentially a security nightmare, because if you believe the conspiracy theorists, it was just a massive facial-recognition data-gathering exercise for Facebook. I know, right? Can you believe Facebook would pull a stunt like that?

Essentially, the only mature way to partake (and this is a good rule for most things on social media) is to approach with irony. So, an image of you at 6am, at that moment just before you transform from vague, wrinkly human matter into fully recognisable human face thanks to Eve Lom’s hot-cloth cleanser, will do just fine.

4 Recognise where you are welcome

There are certain platforms that welcome us as an old aunt might – Myspace, Messenger, Tumblr. This is because, much like an old aunt, no one actually wants to hang out with them any more. And then there are platforms that greet us like an oligarch’s minder – Snapchat, Musical.ly, Instagram Stories. How do you know whether you’re welcome or not? Easy. If every time you use said platform you end up throwing your phone

2 The #10Yearchallenge is a vanity trap. Do not fall into it

across the room and shouting, ‘BUT HOW DOES IT WORK? HOW, TELL ME, HOW?’ then it’s not for you. In fact, rumour has it Snapchat deliberately makes its interface almost impossible to use unless you are a 14-year-old wizard with doublejointed thumbs in order to keep people like us out of there. You may think joining these platforms anonymously is the thing to do, but everyone hates a ‘lurking egg’ (someone who floats through social media with an anonymous biography and contributes nothing but the occasional ‘like’). Best to view such apps like a party you were not invited to. You wouldn’t have fun even if you did turn up… because no one, absolutely no one, wants you there.

5 Observe basic manners

Just because Amazon’s Alexa doesn’t have any manners doesn’t mean you don’t need any, either. Repeat after us…

Phones should not make it on to tabletops in meetings or out for dinner with a loved one. And if they do get that far, they should always be screen down. Work emails, even if meant for the following day, should not be sent outside work hours. Sending it instead on Whatsapp also isn’t acceptable. And while we know you’d love to share your holiday experience/dinner/train journey with your entire extended family, doing a running commentary on MAXIMUM VOLUME on Facetime is strictly prohibited under all circumstances. (Seriously: I once ate dinner in a restaurant next to a man who spent the entire meal Facetiming some poor sod on the other end who had to listen to him give a fork-by-fork breakdown of his meal like he was Gordon bloody Ramsay. And he had only ordered a burger and chips!) Facetime is for the privacy of your own home. Please remember that.

Other no-gos include tagging people in pictures they did not approve/have time to filter; posting pictures of other people’s children; sliding into someone’s DMS (direct messages) unannounced; using someone’s Instagram picture without the hashtag #regram and an ode to how fabulous the person behind said image is. Using the phrase ‘Netflix and chill’. With anyone. Ever.

6 Climb the status hierarchy

Whether you like it or not there exists a clearly defined social hierarchy in the online world. Those with a blue tick across any social media platform get top billing. This is because a blue tick usually means they are a) famous, and b) winning at life a lot more than you. If a ‘blue ticker’ (new term, just made it up – also fine to do in the digital world) follows you, the etiquette is to follow them back. Even if just for de-facto status points. It’s also no longer about your number of followers (never call them your ‘audience’ please), but how much you interact with them. So even if you only have 27 followers, 10 of whom are close family members but with whom you ‘engage’ every day about the best way to get rid of trapped wind, you are technically an ‘IBS micro-influencer’.

Finally, a word on ‘status’ email addresses. CEOS, celebrities and people who are usually going somewhere in life all have their own ‘domain name’. This is your unique internet identity and can be used to create a very professional-sounding email such as jeffbezos@jeffbezos.com (never tried it… might work). If that all feels a bit heavy on the narcissism to you, then use this simple rule of thumb: Gmail is the hippest form of all email addresses. Outlook is fine; nothing more, nothing less. Yahoo and Btinternet accounts are the fleecelined slippers of email addresses: practical, comfortable, but not to be seen in public. And if you’re still operating with a Hotmail address, I have only one thing to say: WTF?

Do not use the phrase 'Netflix and chill'. With anyone. Ever