WHAT HAPPENED NEXT

March 2020

More than a year after purchasing House of Fraser and bidding to save HMV, reclusive billionaire Mike Ashley hasn’t lost his insatiable appetite for buying things nobody else wants. Capitalising on the post-no-deal uncertainty, he announces plans to return the high street to its former glory, first by buying every retail unit in the country, then reinstating whatever was there in years gone by. Soon there are tears of nostalgic joy as shopfronts for Woolworths, Tammy Girl, Athena, Gamleys, C&A, Lyons’ Corner House, Freeman, Hardy and Willis, and Fine Fare all reappear. Ashley is briefly a national hero, until the doors are opened and customers realise every single one is a Sports Direct on the inside.

October 2022

With everybody in the country now forced to buy their clothes, utilities, groceries and even banking services at Sports Direct, Ashley is the only man to have made money in Britain for three years. He visits Theresa May (who’s wearing an old Manchester United away strip, with shin pads and boots) at Sports Direct Downing Street – formerly known as No10 – and purchases the nation’s debt. In exchange, Ashley is able to rename Britain, officially, the Kingdom of Sports Direct.

January 2031

Under cover of darkness, some former KSD billionaires – among them James Dyson, Jim Ratcliffe and Richard Branson – gather to plot against Ashley at the one place he hasn’t been able to buy: a fiercely stubborn branch of Timpson in Harrogate. Ignoring Dyson’s proposal to design a brightly coloured fan to blow Ashley away, they kidnap him and deposit him on Necker Island, saying he can help himself from the lager tap if he relinquishes Britain. Ashley accepts and lives out the rest of his days on the island. In the end he donates his body to retail. Per his wishes, it is converted into a tiny branch of Sports Direct. — Guy Kelly