WHAT HAPPENED NEXT JOHN HUMPHRYS

December 2019

The morning after John Humphrys finally leaves the Today programme, the veteran broadcaster is irked to switch on his wireless and hear that his former colleagues have chosen to broadcast Kool & The Gang’s Celebration on a three-hour loop. The next day, Martha Kearney groggily explains that Humphrys’ 32-year chair groove needed to be ‘dealt with’, and that, also, ‘Nick Robinson hosted a pretty messy “Hump-free” party all day and night, so we were in no state to present anything.’ Livid, but with no microphone to be livid into, Humphrys takes action.

January 2020

Using a megaphone set up in his garden shed, an increasingly crabby Humphrys begins broadcasting again. He starts with a review show, Yesterday, on which he lays into his former colleagues’ performance the day before, but soon replaces it with a one-man version of Today. Despite no listeners beyond his cul-de-sac, he gets up at 3am every morning to prep a script, then plays every guest and presenter. ‘Well now, to discuss this we’re joined by Boris Johnson,’ Humphrys says before putting on a blond wig, throwing his voice and removing the home-made dog collar he wore to present Thought for the Day. When he gets into a row over the racing tips with ‘Gary on the sports desk’, a neighbour calls the police.

May 2020

After Humphrys is fired by the BBC for taking out his frustration on a

Mastermind contestant (‘Why can’t you answer one simple question about the works of Oscar Wilde, 1890-95?’), he joins Virgin Radio for an undisclosed fee – later revealed to be a small bag of Werther’s Originals. He hosts a Today-style programme, alternating with Chris Evans’s breakfast show. The move is a success until guests get mixed up, with Humphrys grilling Olly Murs for 25 excruciating minutes on Brexit, before Evans has Iain Duncan Smith record a jingle in the style of Kermit. — Guy Kelly