Out-of-office emails

Annabel Rivkin & Emilie Mcmeekan

DO YOU PUT AN out-of-office message on your email when you go on holiday? Do you dare? Are you that kind of rebel? Can you bear to go against the ‘always on’ grain? And if you are brave enough to transmit your staunch unavailability to the world, will you see it through? Or rather… can you? Can you go off-grid? Will you be tortured with the wondering about what might be kicking off – on Instagram for starters – in your absence? Can you even survive the sudden hiatus in the daily deluge of decisions, questions and indignities?

Perhaps we are thinking about this all wrong. Maybe what we really need is a wardrobe of OOOS for every area of life. Just to explain how things go sometimes…

OUT OF SORTS

You are sorry but you are a bit OOS today. A bit discombobulated and not completely in your skin. Or in your brain. Or in any way fit for human consumption. It’s not TERRIBLE. But it’s not great either…

OUT OF BODY

You just caught a glimpse of someone in the mirror. Strange choice of clothes; almost working but not quite. Hair is, well, unfortunate. Slightly disappointed look on face. But who even was that? Was it really you?

OUT OF COFFEE

Put that in your email and smoke it. Watch as everyone slowly backs away, leaving you in the centre of a virtual cordoned-off bomb-blast area. You are OOC and feeling it, bitches.

OUT OF OPINIONS

So glad someone asked you that highly pertinent question. But you are afraid you are going to have to defer to literally anyone else. Because you are OOO. On which subject…

OUT OF IDEAS

Jesus, there’s a meeting coming up. A big one. And you’ve given so much recently/always. Is it possible that you are finally out of ideas? Is today the day that you will be found out? Is it time to metaphorically get your coat? This can also happen in relationships. ‘Frankly Mark, I’m fresh out of ideas…’

OUT OF TOSSES

You know you are supposed to give a toss. You know you are supposed to keep caring so that the universe can deliver the magical stuff – and so that you can make a difference. But you are completely out of tosses. Zero tosses left. Maybe tomorrow?

OUT OF TIME

The emotional wheel of death on the metaphorical laptop of life. Timed out. Done. Closed for business. Sorry. Actually not sorry. Seeing as we’re here, you are out of sorrys too.

OUT OF MEDS

You’ve exhausted the over-the-counter sleeping pills, the ibuprofen, the Lemsip Max, the antihistamines with coffee chasers. You’ve finished the probiotics and the omegas. You’ve banged the Kalms. And you are worried that taking the cat’s vitamins might make you look, well, a bit mad?

OUT OF ANSWERS

The sheet of your mind has been wiped clean, like a mental Etch A Sketch. Or when you do a hard reboot of your phone and everything vanishes. And there is no back-up. But you are not panicking. Because it’s as though you can’t remember the time before. You find yourself having a little sit down and reading some Jilly Cooper. There’s nothing better than Jilly to pour into the empty vessel of your brain.

OUT OF YOUR MIND

It’s a conspiracy. All therapists go away en masse in August. Do they go to the same retreat and talk about us all day? Why August, when they’re so needed? It’s not as if a holiday/staying at home/ whatever is wildly triggering, IS IT? No, you don’t need your therapist. You are ABSOLUTELY FINE. (Narrator: she was not absolutely fine.) themidult.com

You know you are supposed to give a toss, but you are completely out of tosses. Zero tosses left