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Q: Dear A&E, after a year of sniping and passive-aggressive behaviour from my sister, which I feel stems from jealousy and insecurity, I reached my limit and confronted her, which led to her walking out of my family’s life. Recently, my mother came to stay and brought presents from my sister for my children, and I don’t know what to do. My kids love her and she cut them off too. Do I accept the gifts? I don’t want to be unreasonable as it is not the children’s fault, but I don’t think it’s right that she walked out of their lives like this. Please help! — Confused

Dear Confused, before we lie you down in our metaphorical dentist’s chair, here’s a little anaesthetic: as Philippa Perry says in her remarkable The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read: ‘It is never too late to repair a rupture.’ So hear that. Repeat it. When it comes to families, it is never too late to start healing. To fix what is fractured or mend what is broken.

Let’s face it: sniping and passive aggression are part of the currency of sibling relationships. But only part. Your siblings, annoying as they can be, are crucial, and one of the indicators of a happier midlife is good sibling relations.

You have focused on your children’s relationships with your sister, but they are probably absolutely fine. There’s a degree of separation with nieces and nephews that makes them immune to the waxing and waning of aunts and uncles. Let’s be clear and recognise that it’s you who isn’t fine. It’s you who is hurt and confused and wondering what has happened.

Sibling relationships are some of the most complex around: there is rivalry, there is jealousy. There’s also the fact that they are the only ones who truly know how mad your parents/family are/were. There is no price on the value of shared experience and that unique, on-the-ground commonality. You are linked for ever because of the misery of that shuffle to your father’s new house after your parents’ divorce, or the first time you watched Indiana Jones together.

Secondly, your sister is clearly trying to make amends of some sort. Presents for the children? Sure, it’s a faintly clunky move, but it screams to us that she is edging towards repair. Her behaviour sounds bad, and it is hard to be around someone who is crackling with hostility and launching tirades of hysteria and venom. But there is something at the root of all this and maybe it can be fixed. And if it can, you owe it to yourself (and her, exasperating though she is) to work it out.

So how to go about it? Well, first you need to rewind a bit and work out why she has been sniping and passive aggressive and why you hear that as jealousy and insecurity. Start with yourself. Dig deep. Take responsibility for your part in it because you have played a part. Sift through the past like an archaeologist looking for the source of the bile. Because there will be a trigger.

It sounds as if she is suffering. What is it in her life that is causing her to lash out at you? It could be very early stuff. Speak to your mother, your father, your other siblings, if you have them. Investigate.

Maybe she is jealous. And maybe her behaviour will continue to be intolerable to you, but we feel that you want to heal this rift, so it is worth a go. Later you can set boundaries so that this doesn’t happen again. Or rather so it doesn’t undo you if it does. But for now keep it simple. Call her. Meet her in neutral territory. Use only ‘I’ rather than ‘you’ when discussing your feelings about the situation. As in, ‘I feel so sad,’ as opposed to, ‘You make me feel so sad.’

Ask her why she thinks it has all blown up. Ask her if there is anything you can do to repair the situation. Make it clear that you are not judging or assigning blame, but that you want to start building bridges. Tell her you love her. Give it a go. You cared enough to write us this letter. So there is hope.

Do you have a dilemma that you’re grappling with? Email Annabel and Emilie on themidults@telegraph.co.uk. All questions are kept anonymous. They are unable to reply to emails personally

It sounds as if she is suffering. What is it in her life that is causing her to lash out at you?