It’s Oscar season… what could possibly go wrong? By Guy Kelly

It is that time of year again. Time to dress up, head out for a glamorous night, end up disappointed, listen to smug men congratulate themselves, then go home and wonder if it’s all worth it. But Valentine’s Day is still a week away. In the more immediate future is the 92nd Academy Awards (on Monday), Hollywood’s

most celebrated autofellatio session. You won’t watch it, nobody does – it lasts for 18 hours and the first nine are for categories like ‘Outstanding Wig Glue Used in an Animated Short Feature’. But if you do settle in for the long haul, the night can be enlivened with a round of bingo. Here’s your card. Good luck!

THE WRONG FILM IS ANNOUNCED AS BEST PICTURE AGAIN

La La Land being mistakenly named as the night’s big winner over Moonlight in 2017 was the most surreal and uncomfortable thing to happen at an awards ceremony since Judy Finnigan’s entire bra was exposed at the NTAS in 2001, forcing John Leslie (of course) to leap up and help her. I predict it’ll happen again. Sam Mendes’s 1917 is the favourite, but they will accidentally give Best Picture to the 2013 flop The Harry Hill Movie.

THE SUSSEXES APPEAR

As if this isn’t in the grand plan. She’s an actor, he does what he’s told, America loves them and Elton John’s going, so they can get a lift guilt-free. The organisers might even allow them to change a winner to one of their choice. If so, expect Best Actor to be awarded to the Duke of York for his delivery of the line, ‘It was just a straightforward shooting weekend!’

CLIMATE IS A BIG DEAL The statuettes are recycled C-3PO. George Clooney will set fire to a papier-mâché koala in solidarity with the Australians. Leonardo Dicaprio will offer to fly a packet of acorns to the Amazon to carbon offset his single-use girlfriends vice. And Daniel Day-lewis will announce he is coming out of retirement to play Ms Thunberg in a film about her US trip: Make America Greta Again.

THINGS GET POLITICAL There’s a lot going on at the moment – Trump’s impeachment, the Middle East crisis. Hollywood is never afraid to weigh in on the difficult subjects, so what are the odds on somebody launching into a rant about the Government’s controversial high-speed railway, HS2? Very high, I’d say. My money’s on Joaquin Phoenix.

BRAD PITT PROPOSES TO

JENNIFER ANISTON

It’s all been leading to this, hasn’t it? The pain of four years of Trump to ramp up the world’s thirst for some – *any* – good news, the carefully managed post-divorce comeback campaigns, Brad’s nomination for appearing shirtless, the SAG saga… He’ll win, then beg her to take him back, saying that they were only on a break, that Angie and their six children was a phase, and that he promises to never grow back the goatee.

PHOEBE WALLER-BRIDGE WINS SOMETHING She isn’t nominated. But would it be a Monday morning in 2020 without opening the paper to read, ‘Waller-waller-bing-bang! Golden night for Fleabag star!’ and see a photo of the actor (above) struggling with an armful of trophies? They’ll probably just whack her into the Best Cinematography category and hope no one notices.

SOMEBODY MENTIONS THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM Will anyone dare mention the disgusting monster that loomed large over the movie industry for so long, until a very public trial saw justice served? Many in the room were complicit in the scandal, but many were victims, too. Who will be brave enough to make a joke out of Hollywood’s greatest shame in the 21st century? Mark your card the first time somebody mentions… Cats.