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The cultural conversation around domestic abuse has changed. Women are heard

Q: Dear A&E, I have been desperately unhappy in my marriage for years, but it was only when I read about the term coercive control recently that I put a name to my situation and realised that I wasn’t just a pathetic failure. I was 28 when I married my ‘wonderful’ husband of 25 years. For years he put me down and controlled our finances, and I can’t believe that I used to listen to what he told me. After a while it becomes your reality. I don’t want to spend all my time alone doing housework, never going out, but it’s all I have. I keep saying I’ll be free soon but I’m not sure how. I’ve no financial independence, I’m an only child and in the past 10 years my parents have died. Friends have drifted, and I’ve no children. I’m not sure how to change things. — Unhappy

Dear Unhappy, let us make no bones about this. Coercive control is a crime. It is a form of domestic abuse and no one has the right to do this to you. You have realised that you have been living in an invisible prison for 25 years – and, deep breath, you’ve already come a long way. Acknowledging that this may be happening to you is the first step – you’ve put a name to it, you are amazing. The next step is reaching out, and here you are, writing to us, and we’d like to try to help you through the next bit.

But we are not experts, so we asked Dr Evan Stark, author of Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life, and he likens it to being taken hostage. He says: ‘Coercive control describes the combination of tactics used in your home over time to hurt or exploit you physically or sexually; make you afraid to leave or speak up for yourself; take your money or other resources; manipulate you into thinking you’re stupid or crazy; degrade you so that you feel worthless; isolate you from your family and friends so you think you’re alone; and regulate your life until you feel you cannot breathe.’

Dr Stark also wrote to us about your situation. ‘It is easy to see why you have been confused, Unhappy,’ he says. ‘While you feel imprisoned and entrapped, your jail cell is your home and your relationship, and there are no bars on your doors.’

But you can escape, Unhappy. We believe in you, Dr Stark believes in you. The police will believe in you. The cultural conversation around domestic abuse has changed beyond recognition: women are heard. Things have bedded in since 2015, when coercive control was recognised in law.

The number of CC cases being heard in court has tripled over the past two years. And if you choose not to go to the police, you still have agency. There are places you can go and organisations you can reach out to who will understand what you are going through. You could contact

Women’s Aid, Citizens Advice, or call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808-2000 247. You have rights.

Even though you may not have financial independence now, if you get a divorce you will have rights to your home, to income support, and it sounds like you’ve more than earned your financial freedom. There will be many people who will want to help you. You are not alone.

This is a lot to take in, we know. It is easy for us to say, ‘Pull the ripcord of your life and parachute out on your own.’ So maybe you begin with tiny steps to reconnect you to the outside world. Talk to your neighbour when you are putting out the rubbish, perhaps. If you can, start having a cup of tea in the same café as often as possible and get to know the management a little. Connect with people. You say you have few friends, but that is different from no friends. Talk to people.

If you can – without starting a war at home – sign up to a class of some kind, whether that’s pottery, meditation, art or dance. Join a gym, check out the notice board at the Post Office, get a sense of community and of the compassion that is out there waiting for you. And if all else fails, call the police and go from there. You can do this, Unhappy. There is a life out there waiting for you.

For more help and advice, visit womensaid.org.uk

Do you have a dilemma that you’re grappling with? Email Annabel and Emilie on themidults@telegraph.co.uk. All questions are kept anonymous. They are unable to reply to emails personally