The Midults

Q: Dear A&E, I have been with my boyfriend for three years and we recently got engaged, which I’m thrilled about. He’s a wonderful man and I really fancy him but I have never managed to have an orgasm with him. Or with anyone. I can get there when I’m by myself, but even though I enjoy sex with him, it’s never happened and, stupidly, I’ve been faking it, so he has no idea. Now I feel I’ve left it too late to mention it. Is this it? — Frustrated

Dear Frustrated, if you marry this man and attempt to spend a lifetime together, then the likelihood is that many awkward things will come and go. Some will be tackled in a timely fashion; others will be tougher to untangle, and embarrassing and vulnerable-making.

That’s the deal. So, no, it’s not too late. It’s a little delicate, yes, but you are not facing an orgasm-free future, because if you can manage it alone, you can manage it with someone in the same room. Like many satisfying things, it takes practice.

Sorry for stating the obvious but if you were to have an open conversation with a load of grown-up women about how they reach orgasm, the resounding verdict would be through oral sex. It works. When done well.

Even when done not so well, it still sometimes works. So I sincerely hope this is happening. And for long enough to give you a chance to stop thinking, ‘This is happening this is happening this is happening.’

Assuming that it is happening… it could be that you are tense and feel as if you are up against the clock, which is never going to work.

So. We have some options. First of all, you could tell him that your body has changed. That something is going on with you. That what used to work no longer works and could you try something new? And that maybe you will talk him through it.

If you can say ‘I do’, you can say ‘higher, slower, more’. Once you get going, you’ll be off. Women’s bodies and reactions truly do shift and evolve over time, and this approach will swerve the dreaded ‘I’ve actually been faking it’ conversation.

If that all sounds difficult, could you perhaps show him? He is highly unlikely to find that anything other than utterly erotic.

Men who believe that they are enough to eradicate all of a woman’s need to do this are – or should be – extinct. Because that’s nonsense. Who wants to have sex with a man who believes that he carries some kind of all-conquering magic wand in his chinos? We are certain that your wonderful fiancé would be bouncing off the walls with lust at the sight of this.

The next step is to continue the above, while he joins in. Which is, from what we hear, exactly how the majority of women have orgasms during intercourse.

Whatever you decide, this situation is admittedly awkward. And awkward situations take explanation. Your orgasm is, after all, your responsibility. We never like to hear about men ‘giving’ them to women, nor do we love the phrase ‘achieving’ orgasm, as it feels like a qualification of some kind. A box to be ticked.

So in order to have this dialogue with the man that you love and fancy, you are going to have to channel a very sexy part of your personality. The part that wants, needs and loves sex. The part that feels greedy and deserving. The part that knows that the point of long-term relationships is for things to change and grow.

Do it. It’s worth it. You’re worth it. He will be absolutely delighted with the new, non-faked orgasm. And we will tell you something else for free: once you have one, the mental block will be broken and it will keep happening.

It’s honestly like riding a bike. Ten or 20 minutes of talking and showing means that, in all likelihood, it will be onwards and upwards and more, more, more… What FUN.

Do you have a dilemma that you’re grappling with? Email Annabel and Emilie on themidults@telegraph.co.uk. All questions are kept anonymous. They are unable to reply to emails personally

If you can say ‘I do’, you can say ‘higher, slower, more’