Asking for a friend

Your problems solved by The Midults

Q:Dear A&E, Netf lix has stolen my wife’s libido. For the past two years, her evenings have been spent glued to box sets. She pays me little attention and generally falls asleep with the television on, or an episode playing on the laptop, which is frustrating. We have three young kids and get on really well, but we rarely have sex. I’m not sure what to do. — Sex-starved

Dear Sex-starved, Oh, the warm and delicious lure of the box set. The box set that asks nothing of us. The box set that is like emotional chewing gum because we can gently chomp on imagined scenarios and zone out on fictional conundrums. We violently relate to your wife’s telly habit, but also to your bewildered frustration. But before we start, know this: you are the norm, not the exception.

Perhaps the first thing to ask is whether Netflix has really stolen your wife’s libido or if it was already AWOL? Or, at least, in hibernation? Sex in long-term relationships will often wax and wane, but the current wane will not convert back to the late and lamented wax unless your connection is nurtured.

For a start, Sex-starved, you have three small children and we feel confident in declaring that your missus is absolutely knackered. ‘Is this it?’ knackered. ‘Who even am I?’ knackered. ‘Will this last for ever?’ knackered. Which is not to say that she is unhappy. But which is certain to indicate that she is depleted. So – even though she may be a sexual/geographical/conversational adventurer at heart – the comfort of that big old sofa and the allure of undemanding TV might feel like an optimum use of time. To her.

Desire, in long-term relationships, needs not just work, but also understanding. Dr Karen Gurney, clinical psychologist and author of Mind the Gap: The Truth About Sex, and How to Futureproof Your Sex Life puts it like this: ‘Two things will help here. Firstly, she (and you) need to understand how desire works. It’s likely that without prioritising sex and making time to nurture desire, it won’t feature... For this to work, pressure to feel anything, or for this to go anywhere, needs to be low. And pleasure needs to be high.’

What we take from this is, definitely take her out to dinner, arrange to hop into bed early for a chat, bring her breakfast in bed, buy her flowers,

For women with full lives, sex can feel like just another thing being asked of them

go for a stroll together, but don’t assume that one swashbuckle equals a roll in the hay. Sex maths doesn’t work like that for women.

‘Secondly,’ continues Dr Gurney, ‘it might be hard to focus on your needs unless she knows exactly why sex matters to you. Unhelpful stereotypes about male sexuality can lead us to see men’s desire for sex as nothing more than scratching an itch. The truth is that you may sometimes want sex for the sake of pleasure, but it may also be that you want to feel connected, desired, alive, to express love or to feel wanted.’

If she understands the nuanced nature of your needs then it will most likely feel less like a job to be done. Because, Sex-starved, the thing you need to understand about women with full lives is that sex can feel like just another thing being asked of them, along with buying dishwasher salt, birthday cards for the in-laws, a bra that doesn’t stab you in the ribs, and about a million other things – usually before 8am. Sex is on that list – probably – but you can help to convert it from a chore into a joy. Something that fits her need.

Most marriages have dry patches, so don’t panic, just start to tell her how you feel about her in almost every way other than sexually. Then, gradually, chuck in the flirtation with the pure intention of showing her why sex matters to you rather than how much sex matters to you. We have always found our box-set habits surprisingly easy to turn away from, so long as there is a relaxing, diverting, life-affirming alternative right there on the sofa beside us.

Do you have a dilemma that you’re grappling with? Email Annabel and Emilie on themidults@telegraph.co.uk. All questions are kept anonymous. They are unable to reply to emails personally