Asking for a friend Your problems solved by The Midults

Annabel Rivkin and Emilie Mcmeekan

Q:Dear A&E, my ex-wife and I divorced two years ago after 25 years of marriage. No one else was involved and it was nobody’s fault, but my ex is determined that I should be excluded from all family celebrations involving our three children and five grandchildren and makes it clear that she would rather they were ‘on her side’. Now we are in lockdown, I feel even more isolated and out of the loop of their family Zoom calls. I don’t understand her reasons and she won’t explain. Surely family is more important than ever now. How can I stop this hate campaign? — Crushed

Dear Crushed, our feeling is that there is more than one narrative at play here: yours is, ‘No one is to blame.’ Hers is different. We can’t know what happens inside other people’s heads, especially if they refuse to tell us. If you try to imagine her inner storyline, you’ll be fantasising. You can’t stop the hate campaign (or hurt campaign), but you can still be engaged with the rest of your family.

We know of one situation where a mother was so distressed by the divorce that she made it very difficult for the children to have a relationship with the father. And yet, the children and the alienated father found a way. Despite all her fury, he stayed solid for years, put no pressure on anyone and kept his powder dry. Ultimately, she was fighting with herself and the only person who lost out in the end was her.

In her brilliant parenting book, Untangled, Lisa Damour has a metaphor for children’s lives, suggesting that they are like a swimming pool. Children like to swim in the deep end where all the fun stuff is, but they need to come back to the side to catch their breath. They flourish when they know that the side is always there, solid and stable. Be the side. Damour was writing about adolescence, but your children are always your children – they will also be finding this situation very difficult, and it’s worth reminding them that you are always going to be there for them. You are all adults now, so why be coy about the fact that you understand that their mother is hostile and you don’t want to make anything more complicated by asking them to take sides?

This is not about taking the moral high ground, but rather letting them know that you are not going to put any pressure on them. Reassure them that you are OK, but also make it clear that you would be delighted to be involved in family plans. Basically, you do you. Nurture your relationship with your children and grandchildren, make an effort, and try not to sweat the headline stuff. In the

You are all adults now, so why be coy about the fact that you understand that their mother is hostile?

end, it’s about being close and showing up. You can be the one to call, to Skype, to Zoom, to be seen to be making a consistent and committed effort. Be aware that post-corona there could be a flurry of parties and social opportunities, so use this quiet time to get your ducks firmly in a row.

Now for your ex-wife. Just because your marriage is over doesn’t mean you are not still in a relationship; albeit a remote and uncomfortable one. Her relationship with you seems to have remained in heightened activation, and is continuing to fuel her old resentments and feelings of failure. She’s creating a narrative for herself, but she is also creating one for your children. So why don’t you talk to a relationship counsellor – alone – about how to navigate these stormy waters? (You can still set up an online or telephone appointment.) You can’t feel her feelings, but it may help you to see your part and to take the appropriate responsibility. And then perhaps you could write her a letter, free of resentment and with no expectation of a reply. You might send it, you might not. But it will serve to clarify.

Step back and think of the family you created together as a shared business, with your children and grandchildren as the assets. You and your wife could potentially collaborate and keep the business healthy.

We believe in you, because you care enough to write. But, if a situation is unchanging and saddening, it is often time to dig a little deeper.

Do you have a dilemma that you’re grappling with? Email Annabel and Emilie on themidults@telegraph.co.uk. All questions are kept anonymous. They are unable to reply personally