Asking for a friend

Your problems solved by The Midults

Q:

Dear A&E, My 12-year-old son caught me masturbating the other day. I was in the loo and I forgot to lock the door as I thought everyone was out. I shouted at him to go away, which I feel terrible about, and we’ve been avoiding each other since. I’ve told my wife about it, which was undignified enough, and now she says I should talk to him. But I feel ashamed and stuck. — Mortified

Dear Mortified, well, here we are, at this particular crossroads, that every modern parent reaches. Not necessarily the getting caught mid-flow bit, but certainly the conversation bit.

Before we have children, many of us look forward to the parent we’ll become. We imagine that our handling of these predicaments will be so different to the conspiracy of silence that surrounded our own adolescent sexuality. We look forward to talking about all the things that our own parents avoided; to deftly and sensitively deal with the awakening of our children’s sensibilities, and encourage their sense of self-love. But the reality sometimes doesn’t feel so easy, particularly when it is triggered by an incident like this one, which must have been traumatic for both of you.

Smooth move on your wife’s part; keeping the ball in your court. But she’s right, of course. You must have this conversation. We all carry so much shame, you cannot let this become another burden for you or your son to carry. Not when it pertains to something so normal and healthy.

Listen, your boy is 12. If he’s not already masturbating, then the likelihood is that before long he’ll be thinking/dreaming/wondering about it. His body is probably changing, or soon will be. His hormones are likely going bananas. He’s probably never quite sure what’s going to happen next. It’s all going on. You remember... this is not new territory for you.

It’s not the masturbating that’s the issue. It’s how you deal with it that’s important. This is where you tell him that sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of. Yes, getting caught is awkward, so perhaps say that you made a mistake because a nice relaxed solo session takes a certain amount of organisation. You find the time, you lock the door (you’ll clearly, never forget to do that again). Because it’s private, but not secret. It’s part of your precious relationship with yourself. This part is easy to discuss, because

If this awkwardness means that he will be able to approach you when he feels confused, then… hooray!

we all know that everyone does it and that is just as it should be.

Rather than the self-stimulation per se, this is about catching your parent in a sexual situation. He probably didn’t see much before you both panicked, but he will have sensed a strange atmosphere. And your shouting at him will have increased that sense of shame and panic, so it is essential that this is placed in the healthy context where it belongs.

So now you talk. But we would recommend swerving the ‘we need to have a chat’ horror where you sit on the side of his bed and you both grit your teeth and pray for the godforsaken situation to be over. Maybe walk the dog, talk in the car or while you’re doing the washing up: any easy situation where you are side-byside rather than eyeball to eyeball. Apologise for yelling because you got a fright. Apologise for leaving the door unlocked because that was your fault, not his. Be empathetic, ‘That must have been very weird for you.’ Contextualise by making sure he knows that everyone masturbates and that it’s perfectly normal. And leave the conversation open-ended, so that he understands that he can talk to you about anything to do with sex without feeling shame. Oddly, this might be an opportunity to open up a valuable and honest conversation that continues to be picked up many times over the years. You’ve got a way to go: porn, sex, relationships – all that is in the post – and if this awkwardness means that he will be able to approach you when he feels confused, then... hooray.

Obviously ask him how he feels, but don’t pressure him to speak because that would be making this his problem when it is your responsibility. He may not want to think about it at all. He may want to forget it ever happened, but he won’t forget your honesty and openness. Football and Xbox are a kind of bonding, yes. But these special, difficult moments don’t come along every day. This is uncomfortable, Mortified, but it is also an opportunity to be a father in a meaningful way.

Do you have a dilemma that you’re grappling with? Email Annabel and Emilie on themidults@telegraph.co.uk. All questions are kept anonymous. They are unable to reply to emails personally