Asking for a friend

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Q: Dear A&E, my husband is refusing to buy me a Christmas present. Our first year together, he bought me hair straighteners. Then for five years he bought me hairdryers or tongs. When I asked why, he said, ‘You liked them the first time and I didn’t know what else you’d want.’ The next year (for my 40th) he bought me a pearl necklace and I had a meltdown: he’d just been made redundant, plus pearls really aren’t me. Ever since, he’s bought me nothing. When I said I’d really like a present this year, he mentioned ‘pearlgate’, then said he’d give me money to choose myself. I buy the gifts for our children and parents; he could put a little effort in. How can I make him see that? — Scrooge’s Wife

Dear SW, a present is an odd conundrum isn’t it? One of those few things in life that manage to be both very important and very unimportant at the same time. They’re only presents, but they take on a kind of spiritual resonance. They can seem to indicate how much you are valued but, SW, it is never a good idea to let someone else decide your value.

Listen, we sympathise. It can be depressing and maddening to receive a bad present from someone who is supposed to know you to your very bones. Who is supposed to see you. And if they decide not even to bother then, well, it can feel as though something has died. After all, aren’t presents slightly… foreplay?

But the peculiar power of presents works conversely as well. And having a present rejected is hurtful and shaming. Sure, the hair straightener cycle is rather lame, but Christmas shopping is scary and he thought he’d landed upon a theme that worked. We imagine that he thought the pearls were classy, classic, timeless; a symbol of his eternal adoration; a massive treat; a demonstration of his love made even more powerful because the investment was made at a time when money was tight. He thought he was being swashbuckling and you didn’t just wonder if he had kept the receipt, you ‘had a meltdown’. You didn’t experience a mild disappointment, you were ‘offended’ (according to your longer email, which has been abridged here) by his misreading of you, your taste and the wider context of your lives at that time.

The result? He’s terrified and cross and has gone on an extended present strike. You’re ‘furious’ (strong words everywhere SW – perhaps try to remember that he’s not sexting the neighbour or gambling away the house) and upset. You’re both resentful. He tried and was found wanting.

Try to remember he’s not sexting the neighbour or gambling away the house

You need him to try harder or at least to try again, but we have an impasse, SW. And tantrums will solve nothing.

Take the power back, lady. Stop seething and start communicating. This is no one’s fault, it is just one of those situations that flare up and then bed in. Give him some catalogues with the pages turned down. Shop together and have lunch and have a laugh and have sex and remember that, at their best, presents are about communication.

Brief your best friend and suggest he calls her for ‘ideas’. Say, ‘I would love a navy cashmere polo-neck,’ and either resolve to love what he chooses (because you’re both grown-ups) or say, ‘This is wonderful but it’s such an extravagant thing – would you mind if I just had a little browse on the website and did you happen to keep the receipt and thank you for listening and for spoiling me and by the way I love you.’

You seem to be saying to us that he needs to make an effort but, possibly, what he’s hearing is, ‘You need to get this right.’ Scary. Maybe you both need to deoxygenate presents and make them fun again. Otherwise, what is the actual point? If you aren’t prepared to have fun, then take the money and buy whatever you fancy. No one needs another test at the end of a, as you say, ‘hellishly’ testing year. Don’t see it as a test. See it as a game. A game with only winners.

Do you have a dilemma that you’re grappling with? Email Annabel and Emilie on themidults@telegraph.co.uk. All questions are kept anonymous. They are unable to reply to emails personally