Asking for a friend Your problems solved by The Midults

Annabel Rivkin and Emilie Mcmeekan

Q:Dear A&E, my wife took up needlepoint during lockdown. She says it relaxes her, which is obviously a good thing. But now she does it constantly: while watching TV, in bed, during all our free time. She is so busy concentrating that she can’t really hold a conversation, and she keeps her head down. She’s a fiery character and it has definitely calmed her, but she’s only 41 and I find it incredibly unsexy. It reminds me of my grandmother. What can I say? – At A Loss

Dear At A Loss, we should never underestimate how easy it is to trigger feelings of abandonment in us humans. And maybe, At A Loss, that is part of what’s going on here. We joke about golf widows, football widows, wives of MAMILS, all losing their joint leisure time to irons, terraces and Lycra respectively. You, sir, are a needlepoint widower right now. And we are sure it feels like a little prick to your soul.

You don’t want to stand between your wife and relaxation, but at the same time you’re thinking, ‘What about me?’ That’s allowed, by the way. It’s OK to feel left out. You don’t always have to be all stiff upper lip about it, but you needn’t be all dramatic and foot-stompy about it either. It’s OK to want attention from the woman you love, and it’s OK to ask for it. Too often we are told to dial down our desires. If you feel as if you have lost her a little bit, it’s perfectly healthy to want her back. So it’s important to find a way of communicating this need without sounding like you are throwing your toys out of the pram.

It’s always strange and unsettling when someone takes up something and finds a different rhythm with it, particularly if their new groove is counter-intuitive. Her fiery personality might lead you to believe she’d find her happy place at salsa classes. Or even flinging down a few pots before coming home to you gorgeously claysmudged in dungarees, with you suddenly finding yourself in a Patrick Swayze in Ghost-type situation. The very conservative, Jane Austen-y atmosphere of her new hobby has wrong-footed you. ‘Who is that?’ you might wonder as she threads another needle for another cushion.

Now, here we must declare an interest. Annabel has taken up needlepoint and is improbably engaged in the process. Annabel might have quite a lively personality yet she finds the embroidery strangely compelling – this methodical magic that actually produces something beautiful. Annabel has surprised herself (she even has a head torch for late-night tent stitching), so your wife has probably surprised herself too. She has stum

She’s needlepointed her way through The Crown, Christmas and Covid, but she won’t always be so committed to it

bled upon something to calm the storm, to carry her over the choppy waters of this past year. All right, so as far as you’re concerned she’s reimagined herself as a one of the Little Women, scorching her skirts by the fire and dreaming of crinolines. But still, she’s found her little lifeboat.

So what to do? First, let’s remember that almost everything is a phase. Yes, she might have needlepointed her way through The Crown, Christmas and Covid. But she won’t always be hitting the cross-stitch with such unflinching commitment. This, too, shall pass. And then you can have a laugh about the yarn year. Not only that but, come on, At A Loss: your libido is a bit more nuanced than this, isn’t it? You might look over at the hunched figure and see shades of granny, but your fiery lady is still there. She’s just dimmed her light a bit in order to get through 2020. Stand by. She will raise her head and see the sun again, particularly if you give her something to smile about: good dinners, real sharing, gentle but unexpected seduction. That stuff works. If you want a long marriage, it’s at times like this that you need to concentrate. Don’t let it slide.

So have a proper conversation about how much you miss her, how much you want her, and what you could do to carve out some time relaxing together. Find a way to enjoy the calmer waters as a couple. Hell, sit at her feet and wind her threads like the swains of the past. It might be sexy. Talk to her; reason things out. It may feel like bed death, but maybe it’s just been a bit of bed rest.

Do you have a dilemma that you’re grappling with? Email Annabel and Emilie on themidults@telegraph.co.uk. All questions are kept anonymous. They are unable to reply to emails personally