Agony uncle

Dear Richard

My daughter’s ex-husband has stopped paying maintenance for their two children. He started his own business last year and until he has accounts to show HMRC and the Child Maintenance Service later this year they won’t be able to assess his income, so this is entirely lawful; but I am furious. What can we do about this? Needless to say the children absolutely adore him... — Seething Grandpa, via telegraph.co.uk

Dear Seething Grandpa

Well for a start, stop seething. It’s not helpful. I completely understand your frustration but your daughter needs calm, measured input from her father, not an emotional, angry reaction to her ex’s decision to suspend maintenance.

I say ‘suspend’ because on the little you’ve given me to go on, this sounds like an abeyance (however regrettable) rather than a permanent state of affairs. As you say, once HMRC and the Child Maintenance Service have details of this man’s income, an assessment of what’s reasonable for him to pay in child maintenance can, and presumably will, be made. So you’re just going to have to be patient for a while longer, I’m afraid.

This is such a common situation. Some fathers resent having to support their famili esfin ancially after separation and divorce; others resent the assumption that financial support is all they’re fit to provide. Maybe your ex-son-in-law isac lassic deadbeat dad; or maybe he’ sr eorganising his working life so he can spend more time looking after the kids, thus saving money on childcare – I don’t know. In any case, that’s what the courts are there for – to enforce fair play and decency. And they will.

Now, let’s turn to your barbed

Your daughter needs calm, measured input, not an emotional, angry reaction

comment about your grandchildren ‘adoring’ their dad. I’m sorry, SG – but

good! Would you rather they hated him? If their emotional relationship with their father is intact and functional and healthy, that’s a positive, surely? You need to resist the temptation to settle into a resentful crouch about this – and you definitely need to avoid dripping poison into your grandchildren’s ears.

My advice, as I say, is to provide calm, wise counsel for your daughter during this tricky time and wherever you can, pour oil on troubled waters. Perhaps your former son-in-law is behaving badly; perhaps your daughter wanted him safely out of the way in full-time work, and she now resents his closeness to the children they share. That’s for the grown-ups to discuss, though they may never agree. In the meantime, it won’t help matters if you ‘seethe’ and raise the temperature. Be a wise old bird.

Dear Richard

I am 72 and have been married to my husband for 10 years. Prior to that, I was a single parent to my two children.

For several years, my husband has talked about us moving abroad – he has lived in several different countries over the years and says he can’t imagine ending his days in the UK – and we have variously considered Portugal and Italy.

I am 100 per cent up for the adventure, although I am concerned it would be difficult to make friends at our age. But I would sorely miss my children (and five grandchildren),

who I know don’t want us to leave the country.

So whether we stay or go, I will be betraying either my husband, who I love dearly, or my children and grandchildren, who I also love dearly.

I have to mention that the situation is made complicated by the fact that my husband has Parkinson’s disease. He has been incredibly courageous dealing with many professional and personal setbacks and I think he feels that moving abroad would be a positive development for once. Thanks in advance for your advice. — Sally, London W10

Dear Sally

Well, you’re certainly defining this choice in the starkest terms, aren’t you? You even use the word ‘betraying’! I think you’ve disappeared down a bit of a rabbit hole here, Sally. Take a few deep breaths and come back up to the surface. You need to establish some perspective.

Firstly, you say that you yourself are ‘100 per cent up for the adventure’, be it in Italy or Portugal. Good! That’s one crucial box firmly ticked. Secondly, your beloved husband is very keen on the idea and sees the move as a huge positive for both of you, and especially for his personal health. Excellent! That’s a second big box ticked.

You say your children and grandchildren don’t want you to relocate, and there’s the rub. But surely they want you to be happy and fulfilled in, let’s say, the autumn of your years? I don’t think they have the right to stop you doing this. And Portugal or Italy are hardly the outer moons of Jupiter, Sally. I just googled flights to Faro, Lisbon, Genoa and Rome. Pick your time and frankly they’re no more expensive than a tankful of petrol to the West Country and back from London or Manchester. You could all still regularly see each other – and they might have a lot of fun visiting you in your new place in the sun.

In any case, you and your husband should be making life choices primarily for yourselves now, not your children or grandchildren.

Have your adventure. We’re only here once.

Dear Richard

I am a man of 53. For almost five years now I have had a lovely relationship with a guy who is now 27. He is drama-free, loyal, Your children don’t want you to relocate – but surely they want you to be happy? loving, fun, and wonderful in many ways. He has met my friends, parents and children lots of times, and I have met some of his friends. There is just one ‘but’. His parents know he’s in a gay relationship but they have never asked him if he wants to bring me to meet them and he has never suggested it. He says they just don’t talk about it when the three of them are together (which is only every now and again as they live a fair distance apart).

I would like to take things further as we are so perfect for each other but I feel that this is holding us back. It has made Christmas hard as we always spend it apart. Any ideas?

— Tom, via telegraph.co.uk

Dear Tom

I’m not entirely sure what the real issue is here. By ‘take things further’, I’ll assume you mean marriage, or at least cohabitation. Why do you need your partner’s parents’ permission or approval for this?

Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that they are in total denial about their son’s sexuality, regardless of what he may or may not have told them about it, and vehemently against his relationship with you. You’d still marry or move in with him, wouldn’t you? (At least I hope you would!) Of course, it would be much better for everyone if they were on side and in your joint corner – but you have no control over that either way, Tom.

So I think you should propose to the love of your life, or at the very least suggest moving in together or whatever ‘taking things further’ means to you. Assuming he says ‘yes’, then I suggest writing a warm, friendly letter to his parents – with his knowledge and permission – introducing yourself to them. Extol their son’s virtues. Say how much you’d like to meet them, how much you’ve heard about them.

In other words, Tom, seize the agenda. Don’t be passive any longer. Start the ball rolling now, and who knows, maybe you’ll all be spending next Christmas together. Have a question for Richard? Write to Dear Richard, The Daily Telegraph, 111 Buckingham Palace Road, London SW1W 0DT, or email Dearrichard@telegraph.co.uk