Richard Madeley Agony uncle

A deliberate attempt to deepen the friendship might come across as a little needy, odd even

Dear Richard

I am a married man in my early 50s. I had a best friend for many years, but about 10 years ago he got married and since then we have drifted apart. I tried to stay in contact, but he has repeatedly declined invitations or simply not replied to messages. Eventually I stopped contacting him, but the rejection I feel still stings.

I am finding it quite hard to make new friends, although I try. I do have a group of five male friends – we watch football or go out for a beer and dinner – but there’s not the depth of friendship I used to have with my ‘bestie’. I should add that my wife has been really encouraging of my male friendships.

I have come to realise that my former best friend giving up on our friendship really knocked my confidence – it also made me question the value I had placed on our friendship while it lasted. It even made me resent his wife for taking him away from me.

Should I reconcile myself to this state of affairs, or set about deepening my relationship with one or more of the ‘lads’? And if it’s the second option – how? — Paul, via email

Dear Paul

Iwo nder if this may be a case of chasing rainbows. You yearn for a multihued, multi-dimensional friendship that satisfies all your emotional needs outside marriage.

Hmmm. For a start, I don’t think such ideal kinships come along all that often. They certainly can’t be taken down off the shelf. I think your need may partly spring from a faint sense of paranoia over why your ex-‘bestie’ broke things off. You worry it might be something to do with you, or reveal that the friendship wasn’t quite the David and Jonathan paragon you thought it was.

Paul, people change. Marriage can certainly change them; give them new and different priorities. The arrival of children, for example. He may simply not have the time to nourish old alliances – or, frankly, have the need for them. Or perhaps his wife is not quite as accepting as yours is about nights out ‘with the lads’, and he’s putting her wishes first.

The point is, you don’t know. So try to stop overthinking it. People drift apart. It was ever thus.

As for your existing circle of friends, I would advise against a deliberate attempt to deepen the friendship with one of them. To be honest, you might scare him off. Friendships have to develop naturally; a self-conscious, over-thought-out strategy to intensify the relationship might come across as a little needy, odd even.

So try and relax, Paul. You have a sizeable circle of good pals who enjoy your company, as you enjoy theirs. You have a good marriage. You’re not lonely. You should look back on your old ‘bestie’ friendship with fondness and affection, rather than anxiety or resentment. Count your blessings.

Dear Richard

We have two adult children in their 30s. Our daughter has always been a difficult character; but my husband and I always worked hard to build them both a loving home. They now have good jobs and we are really proud of them – and frequently tell them so.

Our daughter lives nearby and comes over with her

Why would him proposing make you feel ‘cornered’, still less ‘bullied’?

partner occasionally for dinner, or if they need something. On these occasions she is charming. She also often comes over for dinner before going out to a weekly club. On these evenings without her partner, she is bad-tempered, confrontational and argumentative. Recently she said she wouldn’t come over any more if we couldn’t accept her being ‘stressed’ after her day at work. My husband told her that he had started to dread her coming round, as her foul mood was upsetting us so much.

We’re in a period of radio silence at the moment but no doubt she’ll be in touch again soon wanting a favour, and the cycle will begin afresh. How does one set a sensible framework for a loving and supportive relationship with grown-up children?

— D and N, via telegraph.co.uk

Dear D and N

Well, the answer to this very solvable problem lies in the middle of your last sentence – ‘set a sensible framework’.

That’s what you must do. Reset things. It’s obvious that these earlyevening dinners aren’t working for either you or her. She’s wound up after a tough day at work and she’s taking all that stress out on you. It’s a recipe for tension, arguments and resentment.

So stop it. Be completely straight with her: tell her you love her very much and (mostly) take great pleasure in her company, but these encounters at the end of her working day simply make for bad chemistry that is clearly upsetting all three of you. Be clear that you don’t blame her for that; it’s just the reality of the situation.

Arrange for her to come over for lunch at the weekend, instead – family Sunday roasts are a wonderful British tradition and, as far as my own large and jostling brood goes, I reckon that’s probably the best moment of the week for everyone to hook up.

You mustn’t feel coerced by this ‘difficult’ daughter of yours. So be firm. At your age you’re entitled to enjoy some peaceful evenings. You brought up a family. You’ve earned the right.

Dear Richard

After a couple of terrible Valentine’s Day dinners, this year my boyfriend and I have booked to go to Venice for a few days.

I was using his computer yesterday and I happened to notice that all the banner ads were for jewellery, and of course I have concluded that he’s going to propose. I’m not horrified by the idea, but if he does ask me in some sort of set-piece – in a gondola or something – I’m worried I’ll feel cornered and say no, and then he’ll be really hurt.

However, I’m simultaneously worried that if the trip comes and goes and there’s no ring, I’ll feel strangely disappointed. I realise this is absurd. But we’ve always tried to have an equal and non-patriarchal relationship and this whole thing of me just twiddling my thumbs and waiting for the man to act really grates on me.

Should I talk to him ahead of the trip? Of course it’s a leap year this year so traditionally I could ask him at the end of the month. In spite of myself I quite like the idea that he might be planning a big gesture – I just don’t want to feel bullied by that gesture, but equally I don’t want to throw it back in his face. Any thoughts?

— Maggie, London NW6

Dear Maggie

I guess the central problem for you here is that you can’t unsee what you’ve seen. And, clearly, you can’t stop thinking about it, either.

Now look. He may simply have been browsing sites on his laptop because he’s thinking about buying you something nice and sparkly for Valentine’s Day. I don’t quite understand why you’ve leapt to the conclusion that he’s going to propose.

But let us, for the sake of argument, accept that you’re right. Why would that make you feel ‘cornered’, Maggie? Still less ‘bullied’? Surely it’s simply a fork in the road; a moment of decision. If he’s intending to present you with a sparkler, whether it’s on the Bridge of Sighs or in the departure lounge at Luton Airport, he’s clearly made his. He’s not ‘bullying’ you – he’s asking you a question. And if he does ask, and you say no – well, he’d have to respect that, wouldn’t he?

You talk about ‘twiddling your thumbs and waiting for the man to act’. I get that, Maggie; really, I do. So here’s a suggestion. Buy him a ring and propose to him. Just try that idea on for size…