Are we there yet?

Why it’s best to look before you book

The villa was described on the website as a “rural retreat” on the Portuguese-Spanish border. It was the unfashionable area which explained, we supposed, the villa’s cheap price – despite the fact that it came with a private tennis court and a shared pool. So we booked.

Our first tinge of worry came upon entering the town of SanctiSpíritus, which looked a bit like District 6 from

Our concern grew as we advanced down the potholed street lined with breeze-block houses on which, GPS told us, the villa was situated. Some of these were boarded up, others falling down.

In fact, the most “rural” thing about the place was the smell; the street stank of blocked drains. Most peculiarly, right outside the villa was a woman upended inside a wheelie bin scavenging for, well, we weren’t sure exactly.

Inside, the situation worsened. The “perfect for kids” garden was a concrete yard the size of a tablecloth. It was July and 38C but there was no air-con or even a fan. The spiral staircase to the kids’ bedroom wobbled alarming, the telly didn’t work, there was no oven, and the fridge-freezer wasn’t plugged in, so our week’s shopping thawed – and, worst of all, there was no corkscrew.

With a sense more of duty than hope, I turned to the housekeeper: “The tennis court?” She looked confused until I mimed swinging a racquet, then she led us down the street to a graffiti-daubed 40fthigh wall in the middle of a roundabout. Our private tennis court was a white line painted along this wall, roughly at the height of a tennis net.

The shared pool turned out to be the municipal baths a mile away.

Oven-less, we went out for dinner, but the town’s sole restaurant was shut. The only supermarket? Same story. So we spent that night eating gherkin sandwiches and drinking from a wine bottle with the neck smashed off. I vowed with my wife never to take a chance online again.

Of course, we have ventured on the web again and with great success, by following these rules: 1. If it looks too good to be true, phone and ask questions before booking. 2. Be suspicious if you don’t know the exact location of your accommodation. Why the vagueness? Is there a nuclear power station nearby? 3. Read reviews. If there aren’t any, the alarm bells should sound. 4. “Limited Wi-Fi” is shorthand for “No Wi-Fi”. 5. Use a company recommended to you.

Even if you follow these rules, it can still go wrong, as it did for friends who booked a room at a wellreviewed French farm through Airbnb.

The farmer said she would meet them at the station. It was a surprise that she turned up with just a pair of donkeys for transport. After a thighchafing 10-mile “backie”, when they reached the farm, it transpired that the owner’s husband had recently died and his funeral was in full swing.

It continued for their three-day visit which, when you think about it, could be an excellent cross-cultural lesson for the kids.