KATIE MORLEY INVESTIGATES

‘A man I met online threatened me with revenge porn to get me to hand over my life savings’

QI have been made to hand over my life savings by a man who I met on a dating website. It seemed to be going well for the first month, but then things changed when he found out I had been speaking to someone else online. All hell broke loose. Even though it was early days and I had only met him twice, I felt as though I had cheated. I felt a deep sense of guilt and I did everything in my power to make amends.

We were arguing constantly and he said he wanted me to prove my love towards him by transferring him a chunk of my savings. He swore on his mother’s life that he would give it back, so I transferred it to him. But then a day or so later he told me he’d burn my money so I would feel the pain he felt when I “broke his heart”. I didn’t think he was being serious, but this was just the beginning.

Then he asked me to transfer him an even bigger chunk. He said: “You love me and want to be with me, so give me all your life savings and I’ll buy a house, we’ll start a future together.” He said if I didn’t send him this money he would leak explicit content of me to my family, friends and neighbourhood. I could not risk this, so I paid for his silence.

At around midnight that evening, I realised he had blocked me on WhatsApp and social media. I was in a state of panic. I spoke to a friend who advised me to go to the police and speak to my bank. Still, I was hesitant.

A few days later, the man called me and put me on the phone to his mother, who explained they did not want my money and I would be getting it back. So I called my bank and withdrew the claim. But then I found out that his bank, TSB, had frozen his bank account. That’s when I finally reported everything to my bank and filed a police report.

I worked so hard for this money and he still has all of it. I just don’t know what to do.

– Anon

AFor many reading this, it will beggar belief that a reasonable- minded person could send a man they barely know the entirety of their life savings. At face value, it appears to have been a reckless act of self-destruction, or even gross negligence. But having spent time getting under the bonnet of this case and developing a deeper understanding of what really went on, I discovered it was nothing of the sort. As is so often the case when things don’t seem to make sense, there was far more to it than first met the eye.

You are inexperienced in dealings of the heart and this man, whom you had met on a dating website, was your first relationship. You started chatting and things got serious very quickly, with talk of marriage and babies, you said. You told me you had met a couple of times before he discovered you had been messaging another man, leading to him guilt-tripping you into sending him the first chunk of money.

Let me be clear when I say that flying off the handle and demanding you send him thousands of pounds was a highly abnormal reaction to this situation. Quite honestly, this man sounds like a controlling sociopath who would twist anything to get a hold over you. Unlike him, you have a conscience and he preyed on it masterfully. Once he had accomplished this, he could move on to exercise even greater financial control over you.

To convince you to send him the second, larger chunk of money, you say he threatened to leak explicit content of you to your loved ones. I asked you how he would have obtained such footage. You revealed that in one of your two encounters you had gone to bed with him in a hotel. It was your first sexual experience. He later claimed to have secretly filmed your liaison. I asked you if you had reported this aspect to the police, as it is an imprisonable offence. I was shocked and deeply saddened at what you told me next.

While at the police station reporting what had happened, an officer had asked you to walk him through the entire episode, including events that took place at the hotel. You were asked a series of questions, which resulted in the police officer asking you whether you realised what had really occurred. It was only then, while sitting in that room at the police station, you told me, that you realised that you may have been raped.

You have kept this largely to yourself. Other than the police, I am one of the only people you have told. You have kept it from your own parents, as you fear you will bring them shame and they may never look at you again in the same way. For this reason, and so you cannot be identified, I have omitted a number of crucial details from this article. But this is not to say that I don’t think you need to share this with your parents. You are vulnerable with low self-esteem and you have been through a horrific ordeal. Right now, you desperately need emotional support, not from me, but from those closest to you.

Regardless of moral standards, religion or other family expectations, I cannot imagine a loving mother and father turning their backs on you now if you tell them the truth. As a first step, I think you should speak to a trained victim support group, so I have provided you with some contact details.

Your police case is now being treated primarily as a rape inquiry, but with my involvement, your bank and TSB have separately been working to help retrieve your life savings.

Your bank has helpfully provided its own version of what happened. When you transferred the initial chunk to the man’s TSB account, it blocked the payment and presented you with a scam warning. You were asked to call the bank to authorise the transaction. You told your bank you were making a payment to a family member, which it accepted and you sent the funds.

When you transferred the second chunk of money a few weeks later, it was not flagged as suspicious. This is because it was to the same TSB account that you had already told your bank belonged to a family member.

Shortly after this you told your bank that you were being blackmailed. Days later you retracted this claim, as you said the person to whom you sent the money had promised to return it. But your bank suspected you were being intimidated into trying to cancel the claim.

As a result, it kept the investigation open so it could help to recover your money in case it did turn out to be a scam.

Thankfully, most of the money you lost has been recovered. This has come as a huge relief. Your hope is that you will receive the remainder through a civil court action once any criminal proceedings are over.

I would like to see this toxic man feel the full weight of our criminal justice system. But, my dear reader, however it plays out and no matter what anyone else thinks or says, know this: I stand with you proudly and without judgment. This abuse you have suffered has scarred you, but it doesn’t define you. It never will.

You are a survivor and you are already surprising yourself with an inner strength you had no idea existed. Just promise me you’ll look after yourself, and let those who love you do the same.

‘He said if I didn’t send him my life savings he would leak explicit content of me’