Midlife guide to... …Ringxiety

OK, my round. What are you drinking? Oh wait, sorry, I’ve just got to take this call.

Mine’s a pint of bitter and if you could get some of those nuts... Hang on, what call? Your phone didn’t ring.

Ah. You appear to be right. How embarrassing. I must be going mad.

Quite possibly, yes. Or are you in fact suffering from ringxiety?

Anxiety? No, I’m not feeling particularly anxious right now, thanks for asking.

How about ringxious?

I’m sorry?

Yes, it’s a terrible modernday affliction, ringxiety. It’s when you hear “phantom ringing”, so you think your phone’s ringing when – ta-dah! – it isn’t.

Sounds like nonsense; one of those made-up conditions like tech-neck or Mad Cow Disease.

Mad Cow Disease wasn’t... Never mind. Ringxiety is very real, and the fact you clearly suffer from it tells me you’re a loner with high attachment anxiety. Not my words, but the words of a very respectable study from the University of Michigan, which found the malady occurred more in those who worried about being abandoned or their feelings not being reciprocated.

Who on earth funded that particular study? Actually I don’t care, just tell it to me straight: what other symptoms do us ringxious folk suffer?

Stress, headaches and sleep disturbance, apparently. But don’t -

Sorry, be right back. Just got to take this call.

Rosa Silverman