The greatest gift a father can give to his daughter
Dads play a vital role in helping their daughters become successful women, says Laura Bates
In my experience, there is one indicator that’s likely to have a major impact on a man’s response when you ask him about gender inequality: whether he has a daughter. “I never really thought about it before I became a parent,” one man told me recently, “but then you have two daughters and you start thinking about how important it is for women to get a fair crack of the whip.”
My own dad, Keith, 59, a doctor, probably hadn’t given equality much thought before I began writing about it, after founding the Everyday Sexism project in 2012, but he recently rang me with pride to describe how he’d spoken out against a sexist incident in the workplace. Sometimes these issues are so normalised that men might not see them until their eyes are opened by the impact on those they love.
How dads treat their daughters can have a big and long-lasting impact itself – one study of university-age women found that when a father encouraged his daughter to express her opinions growing up, she would generally become more confident at expressing her opinions in school and throughout her life, even when they diverge from the norm.
And women benefit from engaged dads, too – a recent Danish study revealed that male CEOs who have daughters are more likely to close the gender pay gap at their companies.
For some dads, supporting their daughters means playing an active role in championing the feminist cause. Mark Woodward, a teacher and head of careers at a school in Coventry, describes himself as a proud feminist dad to his daughters, Rachael, 19, and Lauren, 17.
He says: “It is vital for men to shout out against sexism. I hope I have allowed my daughters to be themselves and confident that they really can achieve anything.”
Rachael adds: “I like that my dad supports feminism and stands up for women’s rights, as a lot of men do not have this view – if more people did, the world would be a much more equal, respectful place.”
But even in families where feminism might not be explicitly discussed, fatherly influence can have a major impact on young women’s aspirations. I didn’t grow up knowing very much about feminism – in fact, I didn’t really learn about it at all until I was in my twenties. But I was lucky to have a dad who always encouraged me to believe I could do anything I wanted to, and do it just as well as my brother or any other boy – if not better. That support and the self-belief fostered by his belief in me has carried me through everything from exams to job interviews.
Being a feminist dad doesn’t have to mean waving a banner or going on a march. In my dad’s case, it meant teaching me about maths and science, spending endless hours throwing a ball with me in the garden, and never once suggesting that my gender could be an obstacle to success.
For others it might be modelling a fair split of chores and childcare, supporting a female partner’s career, or simply not assuming that your toddler daughter will automatically be more interested in dolls than football or cars. Researchers at the University of British Columbia discovered that fathers who do their share of the housework raise daughters who aspire to broader career goals, including in traditionally male-dominated, often higher-paid fields.
Feminist fatherhood is all about giving girls options and choices, when societal stereotypes try to take them away. Encourage your daughter to think outside the box; particularly if the box contains a chemistry set and is illustrated with an image of a boy.
All this might sound obvious, but it’s startling and sad to realise how many fathers, rather than championing their daughters and helping them to confront gender stereotypes, actively reinforce them instead.
“Many fathers I know have been loathe to let their daughters have the freedom to wear what they like, wear make-up, date boys and so on,” says Woodward. “I am not a protective dad who stifles his daughters. I have let them experience their world, but hopefully I have been able to instigate ideas or be there for discussions.”
There are some kinds of “fatherly” behaviour that can be unhelpful. There’s nothing more cringe-worthy than the patriarchal ownership implicit in statements such as “I’ll be locking up my daughter when she turns 14,” or “I’ll be ready with a shotgun when she first starts dating”. This controlling form of fatherhood does young women no favours. Nor does the notion that girls’ modesty should be “protected” by policing their clothing, or that their behaviour should be modified to help them “avoid” harassment or assault. This is a topic on which fathers should be talking to their sons, instead.
There is still a great deal of sexist societal pressure surrounding fatherdaughter relationships, from creepy abstinence ceremonies in the United States, where daughters pledge their virginity to their fathers until they marry, to the notion of being “given away” at a wedding. But what girls really need from their fathers is full, unconditional, empowering support, in order to stand up for themselves.
Most fathers would be shocked and appalled to hear about the new pressures and double standards girls face today, with technology and online pornography dramatically changing the landscape of young people’s lives. When I talked to my dad about experiencing online abuse for writing about feminism, he was initially not too worried; when I forwarded him some of the more graphic death threats I was receiving, he was horrified. Sometimes you have to see it to believe it.
Woodward agrees: “The scale of harassment women and girls experience in the street, on public transport, in clubs and online saddens and outrages me. Students started a new Feminist Society in our school with our support and we are now raising awareness of sexism and talking about it.”
Of course, there are empowered girls being raised by single mums and same-sex couples too. Generally, mums are more likely to have an insight into the harassment their daughters might encounter, while men may never have experienced it themselves. So it’s important for fathers to talk to their daughters to understand the realities of what they might be facing, from street harassment to sexual bullying, media pressure to online abuse.
When I was researching my new book, Girl Up, which tackles the bombardment of stereotypes and pressures women are dealing with today, I heard from young girls who thought they simply had to have sex with boyfriends if pressured, believing rape could only occur at the hands of a stranger.
I spoke to girls who have been regularly harassed on their way to school, or have had men grope and touch them through their school uniform on the Tube. Their experiences went viral last week as they tweeted what had happened to them with the hashtag #whenIwas.
To support their daughters, dads need to understand that this is the world they inhabit. It is a world they may never have glimpsed before.
‘Being a feminist dad doesn’t have to mean waving a banner or going on a march’