Help! Our pet fish are now behaving like rabbits
Pets are supposed to give children insights into friendship, nurturing and responsibility. They also introduce them to the concept of death.
But here in Woods Towers, there’s more sex, birth and infanticide than I,
Claudius. The guppies are breeding themselves into a corner – the tank is now teeming.
“I love guppies,” sighed the 13-year-old when her tropical aquarium arrived at Christmas. “They’re called the millionfish, you know.”
I didn’t know. Nor did I pay much attention when the females became barrageballoon pregnant. First time round, we had just the one baby – guppies give birth to live young and the females decide when to release them.
We were thrilled and named the new arrival Boo. Hurrah! Then a few weeks later came another singleton, Pea. Bless!
It was all very sweet and, as we know from Finding Nemo, it’s easy to love (and, indeed, name) one at a time.
But then, just over a week ago, the orange female – Duchess, since you ask – went into serious labour and out they started popping.
Rather upsettingly, the male, Napoleon, took to following her round and gulping down the babies as they emerged. The French really will eat anything.
Looking back, I can’t help secretly wishing he’d been hungrier. Many survived their father’s depredations. Too many.
And now Duchess is pregnant again, the blue female, Frances, is about to drop, and both Boo and Pea are incestuously up-the-duff.
My daughter refuses to contemplate selling them to a pet shop. Or a restaurant. She wants one carefully vetted owner. Please apply via email. Oh, and I’d prefer them all to stay together. The million home visits really would tip me over the edge.