Farage lets fly
Despite Brexit, insisted Jean-Claude Juncker stoutly, “the British remain our friends”. To judge by the extraordinary scenes at the European Parliament yesterday, I’m not sure that all his colleagues agree with him. In fact, I’m not sure that Mr Juncker agrees with himself.
MEPs were holding an emergency meeting in Brussels to debate what to do with Britain now. “Democracy is democracy,” sighed Mr Juncker, the president of the European Commission. “And we must respect the way the UK has voiced its view.”
Sitting across the chamber, Nigel Farage applauded. Mr Juncker eyed him grimly.
“That’s the last time you’re applauding here!” he snapped – in English, rather than his usual French. MEPs clapped furiously.
Mr Juncker continued to glare at the Ukip leader. “The British people voted for the exit!” he snorted. “Why are you even here?”
The president tore himself temporarily away from his foe, and attempted to reassure the chamber. “The British vote has cut off one of our wings – but we’re still flying!” he cried, sounding like the knight who gets all his limbs hacked off in Monty Python
and the Holy Grail. (“’Tis but a scratch! Just a flesh wound!”)
Guy Verhofstadt, the former prime minister of Belgium, was angry with the Ukip leader too. “It was an absolutely negative campaign – the posters by Mr Farage were like Nazi propaganda,” he gasped, his long lank fringe flapping angrily.
“The climate of fear that has been created – that is the most shocking thing. And today we see the result of it: a multi-billion loss in stock market value! A dramatic drop in the pound! It goes down whenever you speak, Mr Farage!”
The entire Brexit campaign, he went on, was about “the selfishness of one man” – Boris Johnson – “who is ready to do anything to become prime minister of the United Kingdom. Or should I say, the dual kingdom of England and Wales!”
Mr Farage rose to reply. The chamber booed. “Good morning!” he grinned. “Thank you for that warm welcome. You all laughed at me. Well, you’re not laughing now, are you?”
Nope. They were jeering and whistling. “Now,” continued Mr Farage merrily, “I know that virtually none of you have ever done a proper job in your lives, but…”
The outrage was deafening. Martin Schulz, president of the parliament, appealed for calm. “Ladies and gentlemen, I understand you’re getting emotional,” he pleaded, “but you’re acting like Ukip! Please, don’t imitate them!”
At last the jeering died down sufficiently for Mr Farage to be heard. “Trade is beneficial to both of us,” he said. “If you cut off your noses to spite your faces, and reject any idea of a sensible trade deal, the consequences would be far worse for you than it would be for us.” MEPs guffawed. “Why don’t we be grown-up?” asked Mr Farage. He sat down to a barrage of boos. A leer of satisfaction spread across his face. He looked delighted by the abuse. He was bathing in it.
Mr Verhofstadt came back for more. “Let’s look on the positive side,” he suggested to Mr Farage. “Finally we’re getting rid of the biggest waste of the EU budget. Your salary!” The chamber applauded. Tell you what, these years of negotiations with the EU should be a
‘You all laughed at me. Well, you’re not laughing now, are you? I know none of you has ever done a proper job’
breeze. We haven’t even started yet, and already we’re getting on famously.
Mr Juncker rose once more. Now, the joking was over.
“You lied,” he told Mr Farage coldly. “You didn’t tell the truth. You fabricated reality.” Thunderous applause. “I regret that this is the last time we will debate with each other – because you won’t be coming back.”
Disappointingly for Mr Juncker, this isn’t true. Mr Farage will be coming back. He’s still an MEP, and will remain one until the UK officially leaves the EU.
Some commentators are increasingly convinced that, given the risks involved, this will never actually happen. I wouldn’t be so sure. These Europeans seem pretty keen.