Couples who drink together stay together
‘A drink is the crucial gear-changer, the signal that you have to switch off the iPad and engage with the partner you basically never see’
Good news! As we always suspected (when I say “we” I mean those of us who Enjoy a Drink); the couple who drink together stay together. All those nights at the kitchen table glugging pinot noir may be bad for your liver but they are positively good for your relationship.
Well, sort of. What the University of Michigan’s survey actually found is that couples with similar drinking habits are happier than those in which one person is lining up their third negroni while the other is nursing a fizzy water and a grudge.
But, still, what a turn-up! So long as you are in sync, you are effectively working at the relationship. You could be doing couples yoga, or fell walking, or tantric sex, or, alternatively, you could be getting quietly sloshed – because that’s also a bonding activity. Result.
Clearly this is about similar personality types. But it’s also a reminder of the many ways in which drink is essential to a marriage. Where to begin? Well, for a start, it’s the crucial gear-changer, the signal that you have to switch off the iPad and properly engage with the partner you basically never see.
I have tried doing this with a San Pellegrino and a slice of lemon and it doesn’t work. You keep getting distracted. If he’s drinking San Pellegrino, too, it’s hopeless: you might as well have your coats on and your mothers in the room. But with a drink, you’re automatically in the zone. It’s code for “Let’s switch off boring knackered Us and bring out Old Style Us! Or just slightly more fun Us!” And then… you have so many options.
You can get serious over a drink: it gives you licence to say things like: “No, but honestly, do you want to hear what I would do if I was Theresa May?” You can get seriously silly over a drink (“Watch me! Watch! I’m Naomi Campbell!”)
You can ask important questions such as: “Would you rather I had Sam Cam’s head or body?” You can be mind-blowingly honest, or rude, or provocative… and that’s not only allowed, it’s expected.
Without a drink, you are on normal time with normal rules. Stone cold sober, you are going to catch up on each other’s day, the topline domestic news, load the dishwasher beautifully and be tucked up in front of the TV before you can say “Um, maybe I will have just the one.”
Ever marvelled at how you still have a tankful of chat to share with your loved one at 1.30am on the last day of your holiday? That will be the rosé. Think back to when you last danced, had sex, laughed until the children asked if you could please shut up – guaranteed it was drink that stopped you from getting an early night with Elena Ferrante.
I’m not saying it’s all positives. There will be times when drink is not your friend in marriage. There is always one who will take the free and frank discussions too far (no names mentioned).
There are those moments when you suddenly find fault with your beloved. (One minute you are watching them opening the fridge, and then when they innocently ask, “Don’t suppose we have any cheese?”, that’s it! You are stomping up the stairs, huff puff, and then lying in the dark staring at the ceiling thinking: “What a complete bloody bastard! Cheese? What a bastard!” That kind of thing.)
Hangovers are not particularly good for relationships, especially the nervy sort when you begin to question every choice you have made in life and then get an overwhelming urge to look for your lost earrings.
But on the whole, alcohol is marvellous marriage petrol. Just as discussion-provoking, disinhibiting and liable to make you fall in love as it ever was. Cheers!