Things you only know when you are a tall woman
As a survey shows that the British have grown 4.3 inches over the past century, Dolly Alderton argues that being 6ft is not always a blessing
Yesterday, the results of the largest study of global height were published. The Netherlands has the tallest men, at 5ft 11.8in on average, and Latvia has the tallest women, at 5ft 6.9in. Britons come in much lower, with men at 31st on the list and women at 38th – but we are significantly taller than the last time we were surveyed, when we shuffled in at 57th.
It’s official: we are standing head and shoulders above our forebears. In the past century, we’ve shot up by a whopping 4.3in. Our 5ft 8in Prime Minister is setting the bar high, too, often towering over her significant others in Europe. Of course, this is seen as a good sign – the assumption being that increasing height is linked to improving health; great, strapping, powerful creatures rising up in strength and into the clouds. We’re lucky to be getting taller, right? Well. Maybe not.
I speak from experience, you see. At 6ft, I am more than five inches taller than the average British woman and, while it means I always get the best view at gigs, it comes with a plethora of downsides. If we’re a nation on the rise, there are a few things I feel I should warn you about; things you only know if you’re a tall woman.
Trousers are a nuisance
See also maxi skirts (they become midi skirts); jeans (they become capri pants); and flares (they become culottes). When you’ve got long legs, it is impossible to find clothes long enough to house them. Tights are a particular bugbear and most winters I can be found anxiously, inelegantly hoiking the waistband up, while waddling along the pavement to stop the gusset dropping below the hem of my skirt.
People will inform you that you’re tall – all the time
Average and below-average height people will cross streets, bars, parties and even mountains to inform you that you’re tall. “Christ, you’re tall!”, “What’s your exact height?”, “I can’t believe how much taller you are than me!” they’ll squawk, before they make you stand back to back with them, causing onlookers to gawp at the difference in height.
There are ways of localising the humiliation, of course. For instance, only wear heels around people who aren’t going to be drinking heavily (the “tall tellers”, as I like to call them, usually only find their voice when they are about three pints down). You also learn to arm yourself with correct responses – “AM I??!!” is a current favourite, said in a shocked voice, before I run to a mirror to check my reflection.
You weigh a tonne
It takes all of a tall woman’s teens and the majority of her twenties to stop lying about how much she weighs. An average woman’s fat weight is a tall woman’s skinny weight. For some, a size 16 to 18 jacket may be a sign that they need to cut down on puddings; for a tall woman, it’s the only thing that will stretch across her shelving-unit shoulders.
A big, healthy physique comes with a big, healthy weight. Only a long-limbed woman of 5ft 10in or more is familiar with the sense of dread that occurs when a boyfriend tries to give her a fireman’s lift or jokingly pick her up on the dance floor, and his subsequent red-faced wheezing while he splutters: “No, no, light as a feather…” And he’ll finally know that, despite having a 29in waist, his partner is in the same heavyweight league as the Incredible Hulk.
You’re a constant inconvenience
Whether it’s the huffing, puffing, tutting of a short middle-aged man who needs a booster seat behind you at the theatre or the spitting hisses of “She’s kicking the back of my chair” from the Ryanair passenger in front of you, being a 6ft blonde feels rather like being a great big bollard that no one knows how to rid of. (And, by the way, we’re not kicking anything – what you feel through the back of your seat are our locked kneecaps jammed into the minimal space of a budget airline, while our legs have to fold back underneath our own chair.)
You may not get the guy
The “tall blonde” template for definitive beauty is a total myth from Nordic warrior princess folklore. Trust me – I’ve been single for most of my life and the height thing has never been on my side. “Striking” and “Amazonian” may do women well in stories and song lyrics, or when you’ve got the face and proportions of a supermodel, but in reality it intimidates men. Here are the words that serve you well on the dating scene: “petite” and “pretty”. I think the typical dream woman qualifications in this country are brunette, pear-shaped and 5ft 5in or under. Men, on the whole, want the girl next door. Not the girl three floors up.
You always get the passenger seat of the car
Here’s a fantastic upside of being tall: when you travel in groups, people will always give you the front seat for “the legroom” (you never tell them it makes next to no difference).
You make new friends
We find each other at parties; we lend each other our size eight shoes. We reverently smile at each other in the street. We are veterans of a long-fought battle; from the first moment we felt those twinges of growing pains in our knees, tall women look out for each other, in every sense of the phrase.