How to stop trouble brewing in sex education
‘If they are unconscious, don’t make them a cup of tea’
How cheering to learn that a load of 18-yearolds walked out of a patronising freshers’ week class on sexual consent.
I’d like to think they skipped back to their University of York halls of residence for a lovely, non-coercive orgy, but it’s more likely they shuffled off to the library. Being a student these days is a serious business.
But not as seriously bonkers as treating adult undergraduates like jejune 13year-olds. Besides which, I thought the whole matter of consent had been dealt with by the inspirational tea analogy, which ought to be covered by all schools, everywhere, on an annual basis.
Imagine that instead of initiating sex, you’re making someone a cup of tea.
You say, “Hey, would you like a cup of tea?”, and they go: “OMG, yes! I would LOVE a cup of tea. Thank you!”
Then you know they want a cup of tea.
If they are unconscious, don’t make them tea. Unconscious people can’t answer the question “Do you want tea?”, because they are unconscious.
If you say “Hey, would you like a cup of tea?”, and they um and ahh and say, “I’m not really sure…”, then you can make them a cup of tea or not, but be aware that they might not drink it, and if they don’t drink it then – and this is the important bit – don’t make them drink it.
If they say, “No, thank you,” then don’t make them tea and don’t get annoyed at them for not wanting tea. They just don’t want tea.
They might say, “Yes, please, that’s kind of you,” and then when the tea arrives they actually don’t want the tea at all. Sure, that’s kind of annoying as you’ve gone to the effort of making the tea, but they remain under no obligation to drink the tea. They did want tea, and now they don’t.
Sometimes people change their mind in the time it takes to boil that kettle, brew the tea and add the milk. And that’s OK.
Oh, and just because someone wanted tea one night, it doesn’t mean they want you to make them tea all the time, or to have you turning up uninvited yelling, “But you wanted tea last week!” They just don’t want tea.
It’s the perfect metaphor – even for those who find sex education is not their cup of tea.