Fathers and sons

Paternal approval matters

After years of little if any attention, we’re suddenly hearing a great deal about the relationship between fathers and sons.

Two celebrities, Jeremy Paxman and Bruce Springsteen (inset), have published autobiographies within the last month, and both refer disparagingly to their relationship with their fathers.

In Born to Run, Springsteen tells of his father’s rages and his disapproval of his son. His behaviour left Springsteen feeling disengaged and emotionally constrained as he tried to protect himself from such monumental rejection.

Similarly, in A Life in Questions, Paxman writes of his resentment – even hatred at times – for his father, who had always been distant towards his son and who appeared to show no interest in his life when, as an adult, the broadcaster tracked him down in Australia.

Paternal rejection can deeply affect both sons and daughters. Ronald Rohner at the University of Connecticut claims that behaviour problems, delinquency, depression and psychological maladjustment are more closely linked to fathers’ rejection than to that of mothers.

Sometimes, paternal rejection can seem to have a positive side. Boys who are rejected by their fathers may become high achievers. However, their achievements often feel hollow. Unlike successful men who grew up feeling self-confident and enjoy putting themselves forward because they knew paternal praise, those who’ve been rejected by their father may seek the limelight to gain the recognition they never had as children. When that can’t fill their childhood void, they anxiously push themselves harder and ever harder. Add to this the lack of self-confidence, sons in particular feel paternal rejection, and a bleak picture emerges.

No one knows for sure why a father’s approval is so powerful. Perhaps it’s because in the West, we assume maternal affection, whereas with fathers, it feels like there’s more of a choice – so their warmth is more treasured. Of course, when it comes to sons and fathers, the father is the most important role model as well.

Certainly, positive paternal involvement has a significant effect on children’s mental wellbeing. For example, Charlie Lewis at Lancaster University and Michael Lamb at the National Institute of Child Health found that paternal involvement during childhood was a better predictor of adult psychological adjustment than maternal involvement.

The lesson? Sharing parental responsibilities equally is best.

It’s not always easy, but for the sake of sons and daughters alike, it’s well worth the effort.