Midlife guide to... Apprenticeitis

I’ve got a niggle that just won’t go away. I get it around this time every year, come to think of it; it’s all too familiar and downright irritating at the same time.

Poor you. What do you think it is? Winter blues?

I’m afraid it’s much worse: I’ve got a stinking case of Apprenticeitis. The show returns for its 12th series this week, and I’m already feeling a flare-up coming on.

What are the symptoms?

Intense aggravation, an inability to stop tutting loudly and an overwhelming sense of déjà-vu.

I didn’t realise reality TV could have such an impact on one’s health.

Nor did I, but a decade of watching the same format repeat itself for 10 weeks of the year is bound to take its toll. There are only so many times you can watch besuited nincompoops trot out daft similes – “Like the Tasmanian devil in the famous cartoon, I will torpedo my way through to the win,” says 2016 candidate Aleksandra King – before coming down with it.

Fair enough. So you won’t be tuning in this time, then?

Of course I will: who will mock these boardroom buffoons if we don’t? (Apart, that is, from Lord Sugar, pictured). The team luminaries need our support. But be warned, the annual team-name brainstorming session itself – this year, they are called Titans and Nebula –will make you cringe so hard your stomach will hurt for days afterwards.

Good luck explaining that one to your GP.

Charlotte Lytton

‘The Apprentice’ begins on Thursday on BBC One, 9pm