Dear Isil, pay it back in 14 days or we’ll call in the solicitors

Jamal al-Harith – aka Ronald Fiddler, a British subject from Manchester – was freed from Guantanamo Bay, allegedly received £1m from the taxpayer in compensation, and then reportedly carried out a suicide bombing for Isil in Iraq. In the Commons, MPs demanded to know what exactly had happened. To their frustration, the Government wouldn’t tell them.

“The monitoring of individuals is an intelligence matter, and the Government does not comment on individual cases,” insisted Ben Wallace, the minister for security. MPs groaned. “Neither can the Government comment on whether particular individuals have received compensation payments.” MPs groaned even louder.

Well, that wasn’t much use. Ultimately, I suppose the only people who know the full truth about alHarith are Isil themselves, but they can’t very well be summoned to the despatch box. “Mr Speaker, with permission I’d like to group together questions four, five and 12. And then blow this cesspool of infidel Western dogs to the very heavens, so that the skies rain with the blood of our enemies, inshallah.”

“Order! I appreciate that the honourable gentleman is new to this place, but ‘infidel Western dogs’ can scarcely be considered parliamentary language. I trust he will withdraw the term and supply a more suitable alternative.”

“Naturally, Mr Speaker. I apologise for any offence I may inadvertently have caused. I should of course have said, ‘degenerate Judeo-Christian devils’.”

As it was, only Mr Wallace was available to take questions, and he repeated, many times, that he couldn’t talk about what the last government had or hadn’t done.

Inevitably, there were strong words from Philip Davies, Tory MP for Shipley and tireless foe of liberal do-gooding in all its forms.

Mr Davies’s view on dangerous criminals is not so much “lock ’em up and throw away the key” as “lock ’em up, throw away the key, find it again, fling it down, stamp on it, pick it up, snap it in half, attach the two pieces to a rocket, fire it into space, and then fire another rocket after it to blow it up”.

In reply, Mr Wallace promised that, if a “breach” were found in any “legally binding agreements”, the Government would “recover any monies we can”.

A noble aim, although if the money has indeed gone to terrorist groups, this may prove tricky. “Yes, Prime Minister, I’ve written to Isil demanding the return of the full sum. Hoping to hear back from them soon. My letter made it very clear that if they don’t reply within 14 days we’ll have no choice but to call in the solicitors.”