Nil desperandum over this never-ending referendum conundrum

Lord Robathan – a Tory Brexiter – was adamant. “The people,” he snapped, “don’t want another referendum!” He sounded certain. But how can he know? There’s only one way to find out. Put it to a referendum.

Then again, of course, the people who don’t want a referendum wouldn’t want a referendum on whether to have a referendum, and so wouldn’t vote. That would mean those who don’t want another referendum would lose the referendum on whether they want a referendum ... thus triggering another referendum.

So, to avoid a referendum they don’t want, the people who don’t want another referendum would be forced to vote in a referendum they don’t want on whether they want another referendum, or be forced to vote in the referendum that they didn’t want. I promise this all makes sense. Some people, at any rate, do want a second referendum: the Lib Dems. Specifically, they want a referendum on whatever deal Theresa May strikes with the EU.

Yesterday, the Lords debated this demand. Lord Ashdown insisted it was all above board. “We’re not saying there has to be a referendum on EU membership,” scoffed the former Lib-Dem leader. “That is done! The Government has its mandate! We accept that!”

Interesting. Because when Lord Newby – leader of the Lib-Dem peers – was asked what the question on the ballot paper should be, he suggested: “Would you prefer the deal done by the Government … or to remain in the EU?” Terribly crafty, but it seems other peers saw through it. The proposal was defeated. Tim Farron, the Lib-Dem leader, retaliated by announcing that his party would now oppose Article 50. A surprising move. I assumed he’d just ask the Lords to vote again.

Next, peers debated Labour’s proposal: to give Parliament “a meaningful vote” on any deal. Backing it was Lord Heseltine, the venerable Tory Europhile. “The fightback,” he sniffed, “starts here.” Among his targets were Boris Johnson, David Davis and Liam Fox. “I took the view, perhaps naively,” said Lord Heseltine, “that those who campaigned for Brexit might have answers to the numerous questions we face.”

The sheer, silken elegance of his disdain; he delivers a put-down as if sliding his arm into an evening glove.

Lord Forsyth, a fellow Tory, retorted mischievously that this was not the time to “grab the mace”, alluding to the occasion in 1976 when, after losing a Commons vote, the then Michael Heseltine did exactly that: seizing the ceremonial mace and wielding it over his head like an enraged tribal chief. Fortunately for Lord Forsyth, Heseltine appears to have mellowed. He merely chuckled in response.

As expected, the Government lost the vote on giving Parliament a vote. The decision isn’t final, however: the Bill now goes back to the Commons.

Mrs May might not be keen on second votes, but she’ll happily take a third on this one.