You’d almost think MEPs don’t really like Nigel

This is only a guess, but something tells me the European Parliament wasn’t very pleased to see Nigel Farage. “Your lies have caused absolute chaos in the United Kingdom!” shouted Gianni Pittella, chair of the European Socialists and Democrats.

“Mr Farage is an irresponsible demagogue!” sniffed Gabriele Zimmer, chair of the European United Left.

Estaban Gonzalez Pons, of the European People’s Party, said the British had “got it wrong”, and were “going to commit self-harm”. Guy Verhofstadt, a Brexit negotiator, predicted that the British would return to the EU, once they’d seen Brexit “for what it is: a cat fight in the Conservative party”.

Manfred Weber, of the European People’s Party, derided Theresa May over Article 50 (“It took nine months to write a letter of six pages!”), and said the UK “has to accept” that the EU will take “a tough negotiating position”. This last remark won hearty applause. Still, at least they’re taking it well. Then again, not quite all MEPs took the EU’s side. “They want to punish you, and make you bleed!” cried Marcel de Graaff, of Geert Wilders’s far-Right Party for Freedom.

He then urged Britain to remember “the famous words of Sir Winston Churchill: ‘We shall fight on the beaches… We shall never surrender!’”

Implying the EU are like the Nazis. Well, that’s one way to calm things down.

MEPs, however, were much crosser about someone else.

By demanding a “ransom” from the UK of £52 billion, snapped Mr Farage, the EU had shown itself to be “vindictive and nasty. All I can say is, thank goodness we’re leaving. You’re behaving like the Mafia!”

MEPs protested furiously. Antonio Tajani, president of the European Parliament, told Mr Farage his Mafia remark was “unacceptable”.

Mr Farage held up his hands. “I do understand national sensitivities,” he replied. “So I’ll change it to ‘gangsters’!”

The former Ukip leader issued the EU with some warnings of his own. “D’you know,” he scowled, “we don’t have to buy German cars! We don’t have to eat Belgian chocolate! We don’t have to drink French wine!” MEPs paused. This was a serious threat.

If Mr Farage stopped drinking French wine, whole vineyards would go out of business.

“A return of tariffs,” continued Mr Farage, “would risk the jobs of hundreds of thousands of people in the EU!” Disappointingly, no one shouted, “Project Fear! Stop talking Brussels down!”

Michel Barnier – the EU’s chief Brexit negotiator – assured Mr Farage that the EU wasn’t demanding a ransom. “We are simply asking the UK to deliver on its commitments as a member of the EU,” he purred. “In fact, Mr Farage, all we’re doing is settling your account.”

MEPs applauded thunderously. Mr Farage stood up and walked out.

One day, I suspect, he’ll tell Theresa May to do the same.