Shane Watson
Male habits to make you run a mile
Big news last week was that the adult toy market is growing three times faster than the children’s toy market, previously known just as the toy market. Lego, Scalextric sets, drones, you name it, are being snapped up by people with jobs and mortgages, Nespresso machines and gym memberships.
It goes without saying that most of these people are men, and that they fall into the category of the ones women (looking for suitors) automatically avoid. It’s just one of those unspoken rules that females absorb by osmosis: point one on the Klaxon List of things that should make you run a mile.
It’s not so specific, the Klaxon List, of course. Until this moment, we weren’t aware there were men who spent £500 on a Scalextric set, but we know the type. Adult toy owners fall into broadly the same category as the model railway enthusiast, gamers (arguably less weird, still klaxon-worthy), and so it goes on.
There are universal deal-breaking signs – that is what the Klaxon List is all about, but they’re not necessarily what you think they are. In brief:
A special mention for drone owners. So not just owning the latest version of a model boat (also odd), but an aggressive, space-invasive toy that makes you think of voyeurs and flashers. Bluetooth headsets, for some reason, give us the same bit-of-awoman-hater message.
Cleavage gazers. That’s just your basic lack of sophistication indicator. Also anyone who leches after – or, God forbid, touches – the waitress (see it all the time), and all related behaviours. Divorced men who talk about their status as a loving single parent within three minutes of introducing themselves. They say: “My number one
‘A man shouldn’t mind if his children put his hair in bunches’
priority is her happiness.” You hear: “I am an amazing man.” Funny made-up accents. Like Tom Hardy’s. What are you dealing with? Certainly not a GSOH. Men who have a “passion” they take so seriously that it overrides everything else, no matter what. No unforeseen turn of events will stand in the way of their regular bridge night or tennis four. That’s the selfish klaxon sounding while you try to think, “lovely that they care so much about something”.
Never quite getting to the bar to pay for that round. Not just the obvious issue with being tight, but zero shame, so double klaxons here.
Fastidiousness around food. Those politicians gamely chomping down on giant sausage rolls at 11am are on to something. The bloke who doesn’t really like food, or has a lot of caveats – somehow worrying. Squeamishness. Any anxiety around bodily functions, in particular in the context of things that happen to women in the natural course of events… very loud klaxons.
Eager eviscerators. So he is clever and can take down the misguided dimmo with one slice of his razor tongue. Exhilarating. None the less firmly on the klaxon list. He is Not Kind.
Personal vanity. A man shouldn’t mind if his children put his hair in bunches. His wife should be able to compare him to Mrs Brown. Perfect white teeth – instant klaxons.
Really minding being talked across. I mean, nobody loves that, but if it’s actually causing rage, if he feels compelled to ask someone to not talk over him, not a good sign. A finely tuned awareness of their health. Naturally, you don’t want the opposite either, but men who take their health very seriously are the ones who need this and that and they’d rather leave early and… klaxons. Men with pudding-bowl haircuts and home-trimmed fringes, who always wear the same clothes and their top buttons done up. High risk, you would think. But then along comes Monkman on University Challenge, who turns out to be the lovable nerd who makes us question the Klaxon List – though not so much that we’re putting it away.