Reinventing the wheel, and other strokes of genius
Liberal elitists frequently question Donald Trump’s suitability for high office. Snobbishly they suggest he lacks the education, the knowledge, the grounding in political and economic theory to make a success of his presidency.
Time and again, however, the great man proves that, beneath the showmanship and braggadocio, there lies an acute and pioneering intellect.
Only this week, for example, he invented Keynesian economics.
“Have you heard the expression ‘priming the pump’ before?” the President of the United States of America asked a reporter from The Economist, while explaining his idea to stimulate growth by temporarily increasing the deficit. “I came up with it a couple of days ago, and I thought it was good.”
But “priming the pump” isn’t Mr Trump’s only contribution to the political lexicon. Here he reveals the other radical ideas with which he intends to revolutionise how we live.
1. “Jobs. I’m all about jobs. People need jobs. And here’s how I’m gonna give them jobs. What we’re gonna do, we’re gonna have a socioeconomic order structured upon the common ownership of the means of production. That’s what we’re gonna have. Everyone’s gonna have a job. Everyone’s gonna have food. Everyone’s gonna be equal. And it’s gonna be like, from each according to his ability, to each according to his need. That’s a little line I thought up. Everyone the same, everyone working together, toward the same goal. Kind of like, one big community. It’s all gonna be about the community. Which is why I’ve decided to call it ‘communism’.”
2. “So I had this dream. It was incredible. It was about this guy, this guy with a beard and like a big bathrobe. And this guy spoke to me, and he said I needed to submit to the will of God, and pray to him five times a day, and stop eating during the day for a month, and make a pilgrimage to this place far away, this big fabulous building, kind of like a church but sandier. It was amazing, an amazing dream. And I thought, ‘What a beautiful way to live. So pure and spiritual. We could all learn so much from this. It’s kind of like, I don’t know, a philosophy or something. A religion.’ And I thought, ‘I’m gonna tell people about it, this incredible new way of thinking. But I need a name for it.’ And I thought, ‘I know what I’m gonna call it. I’m gonna call it “Islam”. And I’m gonna spread the word about it.’ I love that name, beautiful name.”
3. “You ever stop and think how tough it is to get anywhere? Or to get stuff taken from one place to someplace else? Listen to this. I got the best idea. It’s like, this round thing. Like a circle, but not flat. And what we’re gonna do, we’re gonna attach a number of these round things – maybe three, maybe four, we’re still working on the details – to this lump of metal with seats and an engine on it. I tell people this idea, they say, ‘Mr President, that’s an incredible idea, we never heard an idea like it. You mean like, this little round thing is gonna help convey people and goods from one place to someplace else?’ And I say, ‘Yes, that’s what it’s gonna do.’ And they say, ‘That’s incredible. What are you calling this round thing?’ And I say, ‘I’m calling it “the wheel”. It’s the wheel. I’ve invented the wheel.’”
So how does it feel, being a political journalist on the campaign trail? Right there in the thick of it, at the beating heart of our democracy? What’s a typical day like? Well, let me tell you.
5.00am Get up.
5.42am Catch train from Gravesend in Kent to London.
6.30am Catch train from London to
Leeds.
9.20am Arrive bright and early at venue for Jeremy Corbyn speech, due at 10.00am. 10.00am No Corbyn.
10.15am Still no Corbyn. 10.20am Corbyn speech “put back to 10.30am”.
10.30am Remember Crown Prosecution Service is due to announce whether it’s charging Tories over expenses allegations. Bound to be massive story. Scandal could turn election on its head. Theresa May to speak in Nottingham around lunch. Can just make it if leave now. 10.31am Leave venue, just as Corbyn begins speech.
11.06am Catch train to Nottingham. 11.07am Discover CPS not charging Tories after all. Might as well have stayed with Corbyn.
1.00pm Arrive Nottingham.
1.01pm Get taxi to working men’s club where May is to give speech. (To audience of her election candidates, not working men. Obviously.)
1.40pm May gives speech lasting precisely six minutes.
1.46pm May takes journalists’ questions for precisely seven minutes.
1.53pm Wait for taxi to Mansfield, where May due to visit factory.
2.15pm Get taxi.
2.45pm Arrive at factory.
2.46pm Wait for May.
3.20pm May gives speech lasting precisely five minutes.
3.25pm May takes questions from factory staff for over half an hour. Make note to consult Guinness Book re possible record.
4.10pm Catch train from Mansfield to Nottingham. Write sketch for paper.
5.05pm Catch train from Nottingham to London.
6.56pm Arrive London.
7.28pm Catch train from London to Gravesend in Kent.
8.10pm Arrive home.
In summary:
Total miles travelled: 450.
Total hours spent travelling: nine. Total hours spent listening to Theresa May: one (rounded to the nearest hour).
Total drinks consumed: six coffees. Total food consumed: one pack of chewing gum.
So there you have it. My life last week, next week, the week after that, the week after that, and the week after that.
Still, look on the bright side. I expect it’s doing wonders for my weight.