Why I still hope to meet a man
Esther Rantzen tells Judith Woods about her hopes of a return to dating and how she is facing her biggest health fear
When the producers of Celebrity First
Dates invited Dame Esther Rantzen on to the show that pairs unwitting civilians with high-profile “names”, she initially demurred. She then decided it was her duty to give it a go.
“A lot of lonely older people are looking for partners but lack confidence, and I was persuaded that I would represent them, so I agreed,” says Dame Esther, 77. “And I’d been on my own for 16 years, so part of me thought it might be fun.”
When she was introduced to an Irish legal aid lawyer called John, he looked distinctly impressed. There was chit-chat and laughter over lunch and it seemed that at the very least a lovely friendship might blossom – until John made the most awful faux pas.
“At the end, we were interviewed together and he said, ‘For a lady of your advancing years, you were splendid company,’” she recounts, still bristling with indignation. “I replied, ‘What did you say?’ and he said, ‘Didn’t you hear me, dear?’”
Seriously, what was he thinking?
“I was 75, he was 68, and it genuinely shocked me and yes, insulted me, that the whole time my age had been at the forefront of his mind,” says Dame Esther, her fine expanse of teeth making it hard to tell whether she is smiling or baring them. “You never – and I mean never – make a joke about a lady’s age or her weight. I didn’t punch him, but I could tell it was going to be TV gold. It was very funny.” Apparently John later sent her a bunch of flowers with a card signed: “From a man of advancing years”. But although her wrath had subsided, this lady was not for turning. Fortunately, it hasn’t put Dame Esther off men for good. “Maybe I will meet a man at some stage,” she reflects. “Holidays are always difficult and it would be nice to walk along a beach holding the hand of an adult rather than a grandchild. But Des is a hard – maybe impossible – act to follow.” Dame Esther’s husband, the documentary-maker Desmond Wilcox, died of a heart attack in 2000 at the age of 69. After the shock and raw grief came an aching emptiness. Moving out of the family home helped; she now lives in “the heart of old-lady land” – the corner of north London where her smart twobedroom duplex is located. We’re in her sunlit sitting room of pale sofas, two dozen plump cushions and no fewer than four vases of extravagant flowers, presented by assorted charities in gratitude for her support. It feels like the vestibule of a five-star hotel.
“When I first came here six years ago, I hated it,” the former
That’s Life presenter says. “I was 71 and had downsized from the family home with the help of a professional declutterer – who made me get rid of 242 vases – and I felt alone for the first time in my life. I wrote about how lonely I felt and was astonished and touched by the outpouring of empathy. People contacted me expressing their admiration for my ‘bravery’ at saying the unsayable. Then a friend chided me for ‘having no pride’. There’s such a huge stigma surrounding loneliness that older people hide themselves away rather than admit to it.”
Or at least they used to. Three years ago Dame Esther set up Silver Line, an advice and helpline for older people based on similar principles to the child protection charity Childline, which she founded back in 1986. Demand for its service increases year on year.
“If someone picks up the phone to call us up, we will do our utmost to make sure they feel a lot better by the time they lay the receiver down again,” says Dame Esther.
This week, the online clothing brand JD Williams has launched a Silver Line fashion range, proceeds from which will go to the charity.
Relaxed in her own space, Dame Esther is funny, self-deprecating and warm. But she’s also one tough cookie. Depending on who you ask, she is a barnstorming campaigner or a bit of a dragon. In truth, she’s both things, having spent her career tenaciously championing consumer rights, representing the little people being skewered by big business.
Having presented That’s Life on television for all 21 years of its run, she can take credit for shifting public attitudes towards paedophilia, child donor organs and rampant toddler tooth decay caused by sweetened drinks. But perhaps her most notable legacies are Childline and now Silver Line. “They are cousins,” she says. “And like any good Jewish auntie, I don’t have favourites.”
Perhaps not, but while the rights of children now go unquestioned, our responsibilities towards the elderly are less codified.
“It’s a disgrace, the way older people are treated,” says Dame Esther. “They are overlooked, undervalued and made to feel like a waste of space unless they are either doing unpaid childcare or providing funds from the proverbial Bank of Mum and Dad. Of course they want to help if they can, because it gives them pleasure and everyone likes to be needed, but it’s a real indictment of our society if we only measure older people’s worth in economic terms. We are branded hospital bed-blockers, house-blockers and a health-care timebomb, when it’s not a situation we want or have created.”
The answer lies in joined-up policies that empower rather than blame older people, she believes. She counts herself as fortunate enough to be one of the “wellderly”: she loves fruit and veg, doesn’t drink, engages her brain by playing Scrabble and stays active.
“Like a lot of other people, I am most scared of dementia. I went to my GP a while ago, after I put the kettle in my fridge, and he gave me a couple of tests,” she says. “The first one, I completed faster than anyone he’d ever encountered. The second one, I couldn’t even finish. My conclusion? It is what it is.”
In her quieter moments, she is currently “tidying up her life” – placing clippings, photographs and papers into files so it won’t be left to her three children to sort out after she dies. Whether she will be introducing them to a new beau before then remains to be seen. Certainly she is open to the idea.
“My friend Vanessa Feltz says I’m too picky,” she says with a rueful smile. “The truth is that finding someone to do things with is easy; it’s finding the someone to do nothing with that’s tricky. But one thing you do learn as you go through life: never say never.”
‘I put the kettle in the fridge so my GP gave me a couple of tests’