Alternative awards of the season

Campaign packed a lot in: from a diving mascot and a Leicester U-turn, to a peerless wigmaker

New dawn of the season

All hail West Ham’s new stadium – the deal of the century. “It is the home you deserve. This is a game changer for our football club. An exciting new dawn.” West Ham vice-chairman Karren Brady, Aug 4, 2016

False dawn of the season

“London Stadium wish to apologise to those West Ham United Season Ticket Holders who were unable to sit in their allocated seats for Sunday’s Premier League match against AFC Bournemouth.” Statement, Sept 1, 2016

Vote of confidence of the season

“In light of recent speculation, Leicester City Football Club would like to make absolutely clear its unwavering support for its first-team manager Claudio Ranieri.” Leicester City, Feb 7, 2017

Vote of no-confidence of the season

“Leicester City FC has tonight parted company with its First Team Manager, Claudio Ranieri.” Feb 23, 2017

Motivational speech of the season

“People will be flat because they are hoping that something is going to dramatically change – it can’t dramatically change, it can’t.” David Moyes’s impeccable impersonation of Nostradamus in August has not received the credit it deserves

Best sequel

Steve Mcclaren returned to Derby County for a remake of 2015’s ‘Getting Sacked’. Critics felt the follow-up, ‘Getting Sacked Vol 2’, was predictable and packed with spoilers, with a final act ripping off the original.

Agent’s fee of the year

Mino Raiola’s £41million for completing the arduous task of accepting the phone call from Manchester United requesting to sign Paul Pogba.

Best performance by a mascot in a leading role

Harry the Hornet diving at the feet of Crystal Palace winger Wilfried Zaha ought to have prompted an FA investigation, according to Sam Allardyce… the governing body had more important matters to deal with (like appointing a new England manager).

Best British breakthrough act

Jordan Pickford at Sunderland. Despite a dreadful year at the Stadium of Light, he will surely be in contention for a World Cup place next season.

Best international breakthrough act

Gabriel Jesus. Pep Guardiola made a valid point when suggesting Jesus’s injury may have cost City their chance of winning a trophy.

Banner of the season

Arsenal fans unveiled a tribute to Alexis Sánchez’s dogs, Atom and Humber, in January. It was charming. It was original. It was vaguely pathetic.

Best sound effects

A hearty round of applause, please, to the production staff at Southampton media for their attempts to ensure manager ‘Whispering’ Claude Puel’s press conferences were comprehensible. They nearly succeeded, too.

Best original score

Crystal Palace 0-4 Sunderland

Best original song

“We’ve had a shot”. Middlesbrough fans expressed their frustrations at manager Aitor Karanka’s negative style

Best tweet

“Can you tweet something like, Unbelievable support yesterday and great effort by the lads. Hard result to take! But we go again!” Sunderland striker Victor Anichebe’s sincerity dripped from the smartphone

Gatecrasher of the year

Sacked Swansea City manager Francesco Guidolin was checking out of the city’s Marriott Hotel while soon-to-be-sacked Swansea manager Bob Bradley was being unveiled as his replacement. The chaos summed up the Welsh side’s start to the season.

Hypocrite of the year

The most competitive category, with at least 20 contenders in the Premier League – but, given Jose Mourinho wore a ‘CR’ tracksuit for a sacked colleague he once described as a “loser”, there could be only one winner.

Best calculation of the virility of the UK media

“John Stones has more balls than anyone in this room.” Pep Guardiola, following Manchester City’s 1-1 draw with Liverpool on March 20, 2017

Best visual effects

Antonio Conte’s wigmaker. A truly outstanding effort to keep it intact amid increasingly boisterous title celebrations.

Player of the season (outside the top six)

Romelu Lukaku. Everton’s Belgian striker took his game to another level under the management of Ronald Koeman.

Manager of the season (outside the top six)

His side might have started sipping Pina Coladas when they reached 40 points – and his style remains an acquired taste – but Tony Pulis is a guarantee of safety and stability even if he, and the clubs he manages, are always craving more.

Box office manager of the year

Love and loathe him, it remains Jose Mourinho. His press conferences never fail to deliver a captivating mix of passive aggression, paranoia, classic soundbites and pure theatre. If only his side were so entertaining…