GRANNY STATE DIARY OF A FIRSTTIME GRANDMOTHER (IT’S COMPLICATED)

This week: Rose has picked up a swear word – but who said it in front of her?

The hunt is on! Someone within our extended family or friends has taught Rose to say a naughty word. Obviously, I can’t put it in print, but it sounds suspiciously like one that rhymes with “slugger”.

The spotlight, naturally, falls on me because – let’s face it – Granny is always wrong. Now, I know I’m responsible for quite a lot that’s gone wrong with Rose’s upbringing. Take the bump on her head when she slipped out of my arms in the swimming pool cubicle. Or the sunburn on her cheeks last week because a) it seemed windy, and b) when the sun came out I forgot to put on cream.

But I honestly haven’t said “slugger” in front of my granddaughter because I only occasionally swear when I am driving or playing tennis. I’ve tried to do the latter with Rose, but she yelled too much from the pushchair. And I’m 99.9 per cent certain that I haven’t blasphemed while at the wheel when she’s been present.

“Well, who else could it be?” demands my daughter.

I point out that they have just returned from a week of visiting a massive network of relations, including a newly acquired step-greatgrandfather who used to be in the Navy.

“Just ignore it,” I suggest. “It’s what I did with you three.”

“That’s so not true,” she retorts. “I can remember you putting soap in our mouths.”

I’d forgotten that. And it was just one mouth: when the eldest, then nine, came out with a word rhyming with “duck”. Mind you, he never did it again. Nor did the others.

“Rose is much younger,” I point out. “If you make a deal out of it, she might repeat it for effect.”

For once, my logic appears to go down well. At least, until the following day, when my daughter presents me with yet another “word toy”.

“I need you to work on ‘car’, ‘flower’, ‘please’, ‘thank you’ and ‘no’,” she says.

I start to write this down.

“The most important one is…” “Please?” I suggest. “‘No’!”

“Which one, then?” ‘I just told you: ‘No’!’’ My daughter sits down heavily. “Rose needs to learn when she can’t do something. The other day, when she didn’t want to be strapped into her pram, she arched her back and almost fell out. She does the same when she doesn’t want to go into her cot.”

She suddenly looks very tired and my heart goes out to her. Sleep deprivation is exhausting when your toddler isn’t going through the night.

I give her a reassuring cuddle. “I’ll do my best,” I say. Then Rose comes running up and we have a group hug until the dog joins us. “No,” I say, and Rose bursts into tears because she thinks I’m telling her off.

Later, my daughter rings. “Guess what?”

“I know,” I groan. “Step-great-grandad has invited himself to stay.”

“That’s all right: I’ve found out who taught Rose the ‘slugger’ word, and it isn’t him.’

“Who is it then?” “Me!”

What?

“You know my friend who’s just got pregnant? Well, I kept telling her how great my Bugaboo pram is, and Rose must have picked up the first part of the name.”

So I’m off the hook. That’s the good news. The bad news is that Rose has been helping me with canine obedience practice. And she finds it easier to say “Sit!” as though it starts ‘‘sh’’.

So guess who’s in the dog house again?

‘The spotlight, naturally, falls on me because, let’s face it, Granny is always wrong’