Meet the guysmaids
Reinventing the rules of nuptials
Inever thought I’d watch my husband walking down the aisle with another man. Fortunately, he was gallantly fulfilling his best man duties by escorting the “male of honour” from the altar. The lucky chap in question was 32-year-old estate agent James Westendarp, elegantly suited and booted with an elaborate hydrangea buttonhole (the groomsmen wore a discreet rose) to be by the side of his best friend, the bride, on her big day.
“Initially, I agreed to do it only if I could have a backless dress, but I ended up in a morning coat like the rest of the guys,” Westendarp laughs. “The groom did compliment my astonishing beauty in his speech, though. So that’s one tradition that wasn’t broken.”
“Guysmaids”, “best women”, exotic “hags” (mixed sex stag- and hen-dos) – couples are increasingly throwing away the rule book when it comes to modern nuptials. In the past year, I’ve attended three weddings that defied conventional gender stereotypes. And no one batted an eyelid. In fact, it was widely agreed that my other half and Westendarp made quite the pair.
Last week, photos of Brazilian engineering student Rebecca Sinohara being attended by five male bridesmaids in pink silk robes went viral. Sinohara didn’t have any close female friends to step up to the plate, so asked her male classmates to help her out on her wedding day.
It was a question Storm Gossip was itching to ask Westendarp the moment her husband, Will, proposed. The pair have been best friends for more than a decade.
“James and I have always been each other’s sidekick,” says the 31-year-old primary schoolteacher. “He’s rescued me from numerous disastrous dates, driving across London to find me due to some sort of ‘emergency’.
“I definitely needed him involved with the organising. It also took the awkwardness out of picking between lots of different female friends. Plus, I knew there was no bridezilla move I could pull that would shock him – he’s seen me at my very worst.”
Westendarp was an eager participant in the hen weekend activities, which included Voga (that’s a cross between yoga and Voguing, the Eighties dance floor craze introduced by Madonna) in pink Lycra.
In fact, the only duty he didn’t relish was dressing the bride. “That was an eye-opening experience,” he admits. “Much positioning of body parts took place before thousands of buttons could be done up. It took three goes. Previous bridesmaids will empathise.”
Plenty of us will have enlisted the help of a sibling when planning a wedding – my sister did a stellar job as my maid of honour, providing some much-needed perspective when I was mid-meltdown over chiavari chair styles (it happens). Belfastbased conservation worker Alison Ennis, 31, was no exception. But when she married her husband, Andy, in 2014, it was her 27-year-old brother, Richie, who was crucial in pulling everything together.
“Apart from a brief stint during our teenage years, Richie and I have always been close,” she says. “I wanted him to have a prominent role in the wedding, so I asked him to be my best man. As he loves the limelight, I knew he’d enjoy greeting everyone and making a speech. He was fantastic at the hen, too, buying my girlfriends drinks and making sure they had a good time. My friend Paul was also there. It wouldn’t have been as much fun without them.”
There were no raised eyebrows at his role in Alison’s nuptials, says Richie, a bass player. “I don’t think it was a shock to anyone. People know how close Alison and I are and neither of us are tied to the old customs. You should be able to do whatever you want on your wedding day.”
It’s a sentiment echoed by wedding consultant Jo Bryant ( jobryant.com). “Weddings are supposed to be fun – a time when you surround yourself with the people you’re most comfortable with. If that’s someone of the opposite sex, great.” Plenty of nuptial conventions are being reinterpreted to reflect 21stcentury relationships, she says. “Take invitations. Traditionally, the wording suggests the bride’s parents are together and paying for the wedding, but that’s not often the case these days, so many couples update the language. “The same applies to wedding parties. In days gone by, bridesmaids were like soft bodyguards to protect the bride in case another suitor tried to steal her away. Now, many women have male friends and vice versa. There’s no longer a set formula.”
It’s not just men stepping out of their comfort zone – more and more women are assuming the role of best women, too. When he married Kate Moss in 2011, The Kills frontman Jamie Hince gave bandmate Alison Mosshart the ultimate friendship nod, and she organised the stag, looked after the rings and made a speech.
It’s a job Eli Kennedy has down to a tee. The 34-year-old accountant was best woman at her brother’s wedding and a groomswoman at a gorgeous Cornish ceremony I attended last weekend. Dressed in a sleek navy jumpsuit and yellow heels that echoed the men’s suit-and-tie combo, she was outshone only by the bride.
“I was honoured to be asked both times,” she says. “No matter how close your relationship, it’s still such a privilege.” Kennedy had a mixed response to her roles. “A few colleagues were openly shocked – one was horrified to hear I’d given the best man’s speech at my brother’s wedding. I think a lot of people still have very traditional expectations of weddings.”
Of course, it’s tempting to write off the rising popularity of guysmaids and groomswomen as just another fad. But when writer Tamsin Kelly, 49, got married to Jason Burg in a
‘Dressing the bride was an eye-opening experience,’ said the male of honour
low-key ceremony at Marylebone register office in 1992, it was her good friend Graham standing next to her.
“Graham’s a big man and was wearing this leather jacket with huge shoulders on it,” she recalls. “We joked he looked like a bouncer.” Having Graham in the wedding party was a given, she says. “Graham and I met five years earlier while working in a bar and hit it off instantly. He’s godfather to my first child.”
Kelly is dismissive of the patriarchal traditions that often still accompany marriage. “I think these bizarre rituals are absolute nonsense. When I got married no one took their husband’s name, but these days, a lot of women do – even those who have built up an independent career. If my daughter gets married I’ll be the one walking her down the aisle and making a speech.”
I love a “father of the bride” speech as much as the next woman, but the bridal party gender divide is one matrimonial tradition I’m happy to retire. If only to see more male friends in pink Lycra…