Play dates

Play dates are to be approached with caution. The golden rule is that if you have been invited, you must invite back, no matter how vile the child. As one mother reported, her son came home asking: “Mummy, can we have a helicopter?” So hide the helicopter.

Daddies

There will be an alarming number of daddies who sold their businesses at 45 and are now irritating hands-on parents, so make sure George turns up to Sports Day and Father’s Day. There’s also a fair amount of divorce and drama in the Home Counties, so beware. One mother pawned her engagement ring and ran off with the personal trainer; another couple mistakenly turned up to a swingers party at a teacher’s house.

Coping with twins

Be regimented. Seven feeds a day. Seven nappy changes. You’ll need at least 100 nappies a week delivered by Ocado. Track every feed, poo and medicine dose. Trying to remember which child had Calpol and when at 3am is not funny. You’re likely to be awarded a Nobel Peace Prize for breastfeeding the twins simultaneously in the European Court of Human Rights. Women everywhere will salute you. Don’t trampoline with twins.

Childcare

Hire two nannies and a maternity nurse to do all of the above. Just don’t talk about it.

Going back to work

The good news is that you’ll have an easy commute when you decide to get back to international law before you lose your marbles. Being a working mum is a good thing, but beware: prep schools have been known to notify parents of music recitals with only 24 hours’ notice. Absenting yourself is not a good look, regardless of the fact you may be in a war-torn country. Your child needs you. You’ll need a hands-on daddy when you’re off on business (which you may want at least once a month to get some proper shut-eye).