Heatwave!
Middle-class clichés in the sun
So now it’s genuinely hot. We are having a heatwave, and that means swathes of the UK switching to all-out summer mode. The middle classes – hitherto fairly low key and a bit sniffy about the heat – are, at this very moment, scaling ladders into the attic, rummaging in the garage and generally rolling out Operation High Summer.
We know exactly the routine, right down to the chewed ping-pong net and the sudden enthusiasm for Pimm’s. Here’s how it goes. Starting with:
Heading for somewhere else
First rule of a heatwave: you have to head for somewhere where you can maximise the weather opportunities: your neighbour’s swimming pool (that would be nice); somewhere wide open and green; the beach; or, failing that, any garden or rooftop. This is just years of summer training. We’re not even trying to get a tan. We just know that when the heatwave hits, the family gets on the move. There will be traffic jams. There will be water shortages at service stations and issues with overflowing dog bowls, but it’s all perfectly normal.
Spot picking
This is when you and 20,000 other people converge on likely heat wave exploiting areas and prowl around scouting for the perfect picnic/ sunbathing/ hanging-out-with-your port ab le-i pod-speakers spot. Fortunately some people think that is under the tree while others think it’s slam bang in the middle of the long grass. Either way, it will take a few false starts, and a lot of weighing up your options, before you settle on your ideal location. You will take more time picking this than you did deciding to buy your house.
Garden styling
If you don’t head somewhere, that means you’ve got your own perfectly nice garden, which now requires a lot of British summer props to get it heatwave-ready. Before you can say “Christ, these are covered in mildew,” there’s a hammock up, a Moroccan tent being rescued from the attic, the swing seat is being reassembled and the loungers retrieved from the garage. The object is to get your garden looking like the set of A Midsummer Night’s Dream as reconceived by Cath Kidston (we’re talking pre-world-domination CK, when it was all authentic oil lamps and Welsh vintage quilts) with a bit of input from Momo. If you are very up to speed, you might be attempting a fire pit (careful with that).
Setting up the summer games and activities
Oh boy. You forget just how many of these two-weeks-of-the-year activities there are, and how vulnerable they are to sabotage. There’s the paddling pool, which will have sprung a leak during the four years since it was last used. There’s boules/ pétanque, the badminton set (uh oh – horrible snarly mess and the shuttlecock has been run over). A heatwave means putting up the ping-pong table outside (peeling bats, one dented ball … but still, up it goes), getting out the cricket bat (French cricket! You remember that) and maybe even setting up the croquet. It means deck chairs and Frisbees, plastic boomerangs and footballs. Most of these activities are from the time before Sky and smartphones and, guaranteed, two out of three will sit gathering dew until they are put back in their boxes.
Drinks and sundries
Who knows why, but it’s a heatwave so there will be Pimm’s, less likely Camp iced coffee, but you never know. Heatwave habits die hard. As of now, tap water will come with a bit of cucumber in the jug. Mainly there will be rosé, lots of it, any sort so long as it’s really pale. That’s what you’re asking for in the shop: the really pale dry one that’s roughly £9.
High-summer food
Summer pud (yum yum), cucumber soup (bit last century). As of now, it’s mayonnaise with everything. Crabmeat in your pasta instead of bolognese. Fish, fish, fish and butterflied lamb.
Everything will be eaten outdoors even if it means trudging backwards and forwards for what feels like a week carrying mini magnums and ice buckets.
High summer gear
You never thought you’d be wearing them at home, but you are now into heatwave clothes, for which read mini-break holiday clothes: all those shirt dresses that are a bit too short; ankle-lace espadrilles and bikini tops under sheer white floppy things – though you still can’t quite find the occasion for the pom-pom trimmed moses basket. Meanwhile, the men are wearing chocolate-brown suede loafers with no socks, slightly too tight navy shorts and a pink poloshirt bought online in haste, which is why – much to their surprise – it has a slogan on the back that reads “Badger Rangers” with a thumbs up and a symbol like a police badge.
Extreme sun defence
During a heatwave the middle classes become hydromaniacs and UVA obsessive. They arm children with two-litre water bottles and zinc oxide sticks plus two different sun-cream factors (50 for the face). Hats are handed out at the door. The sun is the big event, but no one is unprepared. Just in case, there will be restocking of Jungle Formula and anti-midge candles.
Top-down sorties
If someone owns a convertible, it is being taken for a drive. Even if you’re staying home and having friends over for lunch, an excuse will be found – last-minute dash for extra lemonade – to get out there, shades on and James Blunt on the ipod, and show everyone what she’s made of. Driving around, top down, is the heatwave equivalent of powder skiing.
Music
Haven’t been near it for a while, but suddenly: are those the strains of Bob Marley? Could that be the Gipsy Kings? The middle classes go funny about Seal, but mainly anything that was in the charts in the red-hot summer of ’76 or ’89. Also, there will be Mungo Jerry and the Isley Brothers.
Shopping outdoors
When the temperature rockets we will buy anything from a stall, it doesn’t have to be weather appropriate. Farmers’ markets will today be doing a roaring trade in goatskins, herbs in pots, cheese boards. Riding boots. Olive oil. But obviously straw hats handmade in Andalusia and second-hand Françoise Hardy albums.