Midlife guide to... the breastfeeding emoji

Beg pardon, why are you showing me a picture of a one‑armed Lego woman? She’s no Lego woman. She’s the new breastfeeding emoji, coming soon to a Whatsapp conversation near you. So where’s her other arm? Oh, it’s just probably out of shot somewhere, I don’t know. Why, pray, are we talking about her? Now, finally, we can say ‘‘breastfeeding’’ without having to type out the word, which is especially useful when you are actually breastfeeding. Thank God. I couldn’t count the number of seconds I’ve wasted typing those 13 letters. Thank Rachel Lee, a nurse at University College Hospital who proposed the idea because, apparently, “the lack of a breastfeeding emoji represents a gap in the Unicode Standard given the prevalence of breastfeeding in cultures around the world, and throughout history”. But I don’t get it. This woman is breastfeeding, but she has no baby sick on her one existing arm, no dark circles around her improbably wide eyes and her hair looks like it’s been both washed and brushed within the last fortnight. Very unrealistic. Sickeningly so. But if it’s realism you’re after, why don’t you try the vomiting emoji. Thanks but no thanks. Perhaps the new swearing face emoji? It’ll save typing out all that effing and jeffing you’re partial to. Charming. Any more, while you’re here? Yep, there are 56 new emojis in total. You’ll never have to spell out anything again. What have words ever done for us anyway?